For Sale: Wedding Suit, worn only once by mistake..
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I once taught an 8 am college class. So many grandparents died that semester. I then moved my class to 3 pm. No more deaths. And that, my friends, is how I save lives.
Quit blaming your iPhone. You meant to say “furbenglurbrn.”
good friend is late 20s. in shape, has £10,000 a year, lives in a fine house with some of the finest woods in the country. but he’s consistently ghosted, ignored, or told “you’re the last man in the world i could be prevailed upon to marry.” modern women are broken.
Me: This is my semester. Imma get it together and graduate.
Sinus infection followed immediately by stomach flu: Right…
*pounding on Sunday’s still chest*
STAY WITH ME GODDAMMIT STAY WITH ME
My husband is really not letting me live down that one time we got into a super big argument because I thought buffalo were extinct.
[Red Lobster]
Waiter: we’re offering Endless Shrimp.
Me: bring me the endless shrimp
<5 days later>
Waiter: please leave, I have a family
So wait, fruits and nuts are only healthy when they’re not covered in chocolate?
Dieting is bullshit.
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
I stole a podium. I’m finally taking a stand.
(Listen, I am very stoned and this is hilarious to me)
Wife: Let’s spice things up in the bedroom.
Me: Hey baby, I’ll tikka your masala. Heh.
Wife: Absolutely not like that.
Demon: So, we’ve got some mayonnaise and potatoes and a few other random things.
Satan: Excellent. Now mix them all together and call it a salad.
“I don’t understand why people try to act drunk. I spend most of my time trying to act sober.” – Florida State
I told a server I’m going to New York this weekend, so when I left he said “have a good time in New York!” and I said “you too!” so long story short, he’s coming to New York with me.
If two women are fighting, put them in the bathroom. Women get along very well in bathrooms
Me: When I was little I was never allowed in grandma and grandad’s bed if I was scared.
6yo: That’s sad Mommy. I’m going to tell grandma and grandad that they have to let you in their bed tomorrow.
Me: Oh no no no baby. I’m good!
[watching action movie]
*hero stealthily snaps guard’s neck*
me: damn, I bet that felt really good
While never officially canonized by a Pope, Saint Patrick is widely recognized as the patron saint of Slytherin.
The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.
How do American chickens cross the road? In a bucket.
[God making spaghetti]
ANGEL: Did you accidentally drop a lasagna in the paper shredder?
GOD: [taking bong rip] Bold of you to assume it was an accident.
My spirit animal is an upturned turtle.
If your tweet gets stolen and posted on Facebook…
It’s your own fault for not making it offensive enough!
Sorry I booped your nose when you said that you loved me.
The only person who listens to me in my house is my dog, and even he pees on the floor sometimes.
Cop: First name please…
“Frida”
Cop: Last name…
“Gomam”
Cop: You’re Frida Gomam?
*peels out*
Cop: Nice, nice
Me: intuitive eating is easy. It’s all about listening to your body
My body: I’m begging you…eat a vegetable….please
Me: what’s that? More cheese?
*first day as a magician*
Me: For my next trick im going to make this parrot disappear, abracadabra!
Child: the parrots under your shirt. I can see it.
Me: no it isn’t
My shirt: no it isn’t
I’ve matured a lot. For example, I used to listen to Fall Out Boy and break stuff, but now I listen to Mozart and break stuff
When I see a driver go straight in a turn only lane