The rest of the Justice League always makes Aquaman eat at Long John Silvers so they can watch him cry.
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technically mixed martial arts can include tickle fighting
Grammar. The difference between feeling your nuts, and feeling you’re nuts.
When the stylist spins you back around
[Job interview]
Them: “So what will you bring to the role if we choose you”
Me: *whips out kazoo*
Them: “NOPE”
*gets stabbed and looted by mugger*
me: “oh yeah just leave like everyone else does”
Just failed a captcha test. Hell of a way to discover you’re a robot
I brushed my teeth without watching in the mirror and now my eyebrows are clean.
At a seminar. Cannot wait to drop someone during a trust fall.
I just referred to a toothpick as “one of those stabby things” sooooo no more dateline for me.
A zombie jumped out at me, in a haunted house, but he didn’t scare me. He did, however, catch my elbow in his face.
I’ve found that nowadays most people don’t like holding hands in public.
Especially if you don’t know them.
Welcome to Twitter 2 point Uh oh.
Judge: “How do you plead?”
Me: [looks at lawyer]
Lawyer: [mouths “not guilty”]
Me: “Hot milky”
[family meeting]
Wife: Ok, so one of you have been loading the dishwasher wrong
Me: Shouldn’t we wait for the kids to join us?
Wife: Nah, we can start
You might think I’m flirting, but really those faces are just me trying to get the peanut butter off the roof of my mouth
Me, excited because I don’t have to make school lunches for the next three months.
*Summer camps have entered the chat.*
I bet The Ring really made it hard for dead people that want to crawl out of your tv for friendly reasons.
HER: I just put the baby down for his nap
ME: maybe he’ll actually sleep this time so we can have sex
BABY:
Parenting is filled with wonder. Like wondering why your 4yo raced into the kitchen and quietly grabbed a handful of napkins.
I just got a text message asking me to rate my Anesthesiologist during last week’s heart procedure. I’m like, “How should I know?”🤦
Me: Maybe I’ll go out tonight
Depression: No, you will cry yourself to sleep instead
Anxiety: It’s my turn and I want you to have a full blown panic attack
Stress Eating: Guys, let’s play together
A treadmill minute is three times as long as an alarm clock snooze minute.
[planning heist]
LEADER: we can kill the alarm, but how do we get through the concrete wall?
*everyone turns to look at the kool-aid man*
The First 48 is on from now until 4am. If anyone needs me I’ll be on my couch solving homicides and eating schnacks.
(Don’t need me)
me: [deadlifting 200 lbs]
mortician: sir
“your cat will eat you when you die” yeah but he shows infinite grace by making no attempt in the meantime. leave him alone
I had a call from a charity asking me to donate old clothes for starving people. I told them anybody who fits into my clothes isn’t starving
There was a time I thought Radiohead was saying “I’m a creep, I’m a widow” and one day I heard someone sing the right word and well, only a freakin’ weirdo would think widow makes sense there, right.