[dinner party, setting out the main]
Friend: Wow! Is this edible gold? You’re really stepping up your game!
Me, thinking about my kid’s art taped to the kitchen cupboard shedding glitter like a damn Head & Shoulders commercial: Isn’t it fancy?!
You Might Also Like
*from upstairs* HONEY…WHERE ARE MY BUSINESS PYJAMAS??
My kids’ school sends home so much artwork I’ve had to buy 8 refrigerators since September.
How to fall downstairs……
Step 1
Step 6
Step 9,10,11,12
I tried to kill a bug with febreeze but it didn’t work and now the room smells like lilac and fear.
According to Facebook, 78% of girls I went to high school with now own their own photography business.
This rocks
If you’re really not supposed to mix vodka with nail polish remover it should say so on the bottle
[speed dating]
Him: have you ever been married?
Me: just once… we had a beautiful ceremony in my parents yard with all my Barbie dolls in attendance but an hour later he went back to live with his mom
Him: lol aww you were 5?
Me: don’t be ridiculous *sips drink* I was 30
1980s : average parent ; 4 kids
2016: average kid ; 4 parents
To level the playing field, online dating sites should require using the picture in your driver’s license.
i was carrying a 15′ handrail through menards when i jokingly challenged a lady to a jousting match. later, when i thought i saw her again in the parking lot, i said ‘are you ready to joust!” but it wasn’t the same lady.
I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.
date: i think i’m going to leave.
me: [absolutely covered with seaweed] but your bio said you LIKED long walks on the beach.
Airport beers are great because it means you are traveling and also that you hate your own money
*looking at a picture* Wow, you have beautiful children!
Thank you, they came with the frame.
doctor: what seems to be the problem?
t-rex: I cant feel my legs
Shout out to the people wondering what the opposite of in is
I’ll never understand women. A species that loathes you for asking their age, but tortures you forever if you forget their birthday.
Oh your boyfriend proposed? Well I just realized my new dress has pockets, so I think it’s obvious who’s having a better day.
Imagine falling in love with somebody and finding out they’re uncomfortable making the sex in an abandoned mannequin factory.
Keanu Reeves: THERE’S A BOMB ON THE BUS! IF WE GO UNDER 50MPH WE’LL EXPLODE!
Me: [while maintaining eye contact, presses “Next Stop” signal]
I’m never happier to not have small children than when I hear a disney on ice commercial
There were only 7 deadly sins and then you came along.
Hey all,
I regret to admit this, but tonight I took my kids on a walk.
From their intense whining I have come to see that I caused them deep distress by exposure to sunshine, breeze, and friendly waves from neighbors.
Forgive me—I will do better next time.
~a dad, trying
Isn’t it weird that the A-hole and the B-hole are the same hole?
A person running around with a laptop chasing an unsecured WiFi signal looks eerily like a cat chasing a laser pointer.
If we could see the world through the eyes of a child, we’d see so many more doorknobs.
DOCTOR: Don’t be embarrassed. Taking trousers off is normal for a prostate exam.
ME: Err yeah I guess. Should I take mine off too?
People: cats are so detached and just do their own thing
My cats: are you getting up for 20 seconds to get a glass of water?? I’ll come with you, gonna meow the whole time, hey bud so are we going back to bed or chilling on the couch? I am gonna be a nuisance in either location
MY MOM: [handing me my hulk hands] Good luck on your date tonight.