I have a place for everything. The floor.
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Mom asked me what it’s like being a single middle aged woman so I took a handful of cat & dog hair from my purse and threw it in her coffee.
“Huh?” – Wonder Woman
No one is my co-pilot; that seat’s for my snacks.
My kid has stolen my heart. And my sleep. Aaaaand my snack.
I used to care what my neighbours think but then I met them
My spouse must be the most patient person in the world because he waits for me to come home from my 12-hour workday and cook and serve dinner every single day and only complains most days
Arnold Schwarzenegger glancing up excitedly and then looking away disappointedly multiple times while watching the intro to “Hey Arnold”
why is covid-19 trending does anyone know
I bought a blender to make some healthy smoothies. Long story short I make the best margaritas now.
I thought that raisin on the floor was a bug and then I thought that’s gross, someone brought raisins in my house.
[me narrating a documentary about grasshoppers]
And here we see these little liars hopping on sand.
[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were herepizza delivery driver: sir, we said 30 min or less
What Kermit (the frog) is called in different countries:
10. Kermit (Denmark)
9. Kermit (France)
8. Kermit (Japan)
7. Kermit (Slovakia)
6. Kermit (Italy)
5. Kermit (Canada)
4. Kermit (Iceland)
3. Kermit (the Netherlands)
2. Kermit (Poland)
1. Gustavo (Spain)
I’ve named my cat “Before” & my chihuahua “After.”
It works better if I introduce them wearing a lab coat and clipboard, giggling.
JFK was the perfect name for this airport because it makes me feel like I got shot in the head
People often wonder if Tom and Jerry were enemies offscreen, as well. According to Tom, “sort of.”
ladies, when he’s sick, treat him right
1. make him chicken soup
2. tuck him in with the remote
3. buy a boa constrictor to snuggle him
The animals in Australia are dangerous, but they’re the most dangerous in Queensland because they can move in any direction.
Can you imagine how rich Adam and Eve would be right now if they would have held on to that Apple stock instead of eating it and incurring the wrath of God?
I was helping my son with his geography homework and I told him that the capital of Iceland was New Bjork so now I have another meeting with his teacher.
friend: vending machines kill more people per year than sharks
me, swimming in the ocean and a vending machine is coming right at me: oh no
Me: How was your first day of school?
5-year-old: Long.
Me: I’m sure tomorrow will be better.
5-year-old: Wait, I have to go back?
My spirit animal is a hamster named Bob.
He used to be a regular hamster named Bob.
But, I kinda forgot to feed him for a couple of weeks.
Wait, you actually took my advice?! You poor poor thing.
I have never related to a cat more
*Runs 6 miles*
*Adds Kenyan to resume*
What’s the normal amount of pall bearers for a hamster’s funeral?
Watching two cars with reindeer hood antlers rutting for a parking spot and I’ve never felt more David Attenborough.
DATE [annoyed] in your profile, it said u had amazing abs
ME [slams car to a stop] Amy it’s the best anti-lock braking system I’ve ever had
wanna know what’s worse than being cheated on? finding out he’s trying to cheat but nobody wants him 😭