*limbos under the caution tape
You Might Also Like
KID: I’m starting to feel like I’ll never find a Coke with my name on it
MOM: Just keep looking, Dangquestrious
Autocorrect is changing correctly spelled words. I’m starting to think it has a mind of its AUTOCORRECT IS HARMLESS. GO ABOUT YOUR BUSINESS.
The urge to say “yeah you should do that”, especially when you have no clue.
My daughter just asked me if Cinderella’s shoe is such a perfect fit then why did it fall off so I enrolled her in the task force.
Can’t find my belt so I’ll just need to get fatter.
Rubbing alcohol is not as effective as drinking it.
When there are only 6 slices of pizza left and it seems kind of silly to wrap them up and put them in the fridge so you go ahead and finish them
twitter: Canadians are so nice
Canadians: *rubbing hands together* they’ve fallen into our trap
me: my back hurts
doctor: have you tried voting
Every time I see a dude in a trench coat i assume he’s going to flash me. When it doesn’t happen, I assume he’s just a spy
my 3yo found a whistle and is refusing to give it to me so do I just throw the whole kid out or nah?
[Getting chased by cops after heist]
Me: Damn, I can’t shake ’em. It’s like they’re one step ahead of us.
Partner: STOP USING YOUR BLINKER
“40 is the new 20”
*Pulls a muscle*
“40 is the new 80”
There’s absolutely no way Lady Gaga was born with half an Office Depot hot-glued to her head.
17 year old me: *catches Bret Michaels’ sweaty bandana and stuffs it in my mouth*
Todays me: *carries hand sanitizer because of door knobs*
We’ve had far more storms since we started naming them. We’re giving them the attention they crave. Just call it needy wind.
Oh, you’re a witch? Name three children you’ve eaten.
*posts Social Security number on social media*
*hopes someone steals his identity and pays off his mortgage*
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: Didn’t you do any financial planning?
ME: *lips pressed on mic* Yes, your Honor, I was planning on having finances
“I love potatoes! They are delicious and so versatile. If only they could get me laid…”
-how vodka was born
I don’t understand why you guys complain about never being able to finish a tube of chapstick, it usually only takes me 2 or 3 bites.
I’d rather fork than spoon.
1. Go to the vets
2. Tell them your fish is poorly
3. Put a fish finger on the examining table
4. Do a sad face
Every time my phone rings
My co-worker said he’s bleeding out of his ear. “That time of the month?” I replied.
He’s not amused.
blood is thicker than water, which is my secret to winning the annual county fair gravy contest every year
You left the milk out so I burnt all your clothes. Welcome to an adult relationship.
Dad: Can I administer my own anesthetic?
Surgeon: Go ahead – knock yourself out.
*trying to ask a girl on a date*
Me: hi, um [nervously wets lips] would you wanna go out sometime?
Her: was- was that a mop?
Unless you’re going to tell me there’s a sniper target on me, I can wait for you to finish chewing to hear what you have to say. Thanks.