911: what’s your emergency
Me: I can’t find my lizard
911: do you have any details
Me: *holding tail* that’s how I lost it
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the abolition of the 140 character limit and the advent of threads are responsible for the current state of this website. turned what was mostly cute little quips into constant insufferable bloviating posts like this one
If I’m reading their lips correctly, my neighbors are arguing about some creepy guy next door.
Sometimes I think I’m the only Brit trying to use up all this spice we stole
My phone autocorrected “gym” to “fun” so I threw it in the trash bc it’s obviously broken.
i’m the instant oatmeal packets in your pantry that you never want, but are glad you have.
You’re following someone who just picked up a candle and tried to drink it
My super power is buying movies on Amazon the week before they’re free on Netflix
nintendo: so you hate doing chores, right
me: totally
nintendo: and you hate working a job
me: so much
nintendo: what if you did all that while hopelessly in debt to a capitalist raccoon?
me: will it be cute
nintendo: so cute
me: then i will do it for 20,000 hours
Husband: can we try some new positions in the bedroom?
Me: sure!
Husband: any ideas?
Me: [excited] sleepy sloth?
Husband:
Me: [more excited] hibernating bear?
Husband:
Me: [most excited] the lazy starfish?
One fun thing about kids crying is trying to determine if they broke a crayon or got their arm stuck in a piece of farming equipment.
[During lull in conversation at party]
ME: Do you think you’re closer to your own birth or your own death? Let’s go around the room.
aren’t all napkins supposed to be sanitary
Doctor: How in the world did you manage to swallow this?
Me: (harmonica sounds)
It’s okay, facial recognition. I don’t recognize myself anymore either.
So it turns out ghosting doesn’t work on credit card companies.
4: okay, I will be Mario and you will be the goomba–
Husband: NO, no, you’re not jumping on my head.
4: *sigh* kay…
I live alone.
The dryer is my closet.
Apparently pumping to a woman means something entirely different.
I thought she meant the gym.
I wondered why my cereal tasted funny…😫😫😫
“why y’all clapping at 3AM?”
cashier: “would you like to donate to fight hunger?”
me: “oh, hunger wants to rumble?”
*dip knuckles in syrup & then in Cheerios
“im ready”
Captain Planet (1991) – a gang of illegal immigrant Eco-terrorists summon a demon to terrorise job creators
ELEPHANT COP: I recognize you
LION: I just have one of those familiar faces
ELEPHANT COP: You don’t know who the hell you’re dealing with
[Job Interview]
Boss: What is your best trait?
Me: Procrastination.
B: How is that a positive?
M: I’ll give you my reasons. Later.
me: *rubs lamp*
genie: I will grant you three wishes
me: can you go away I’m rubbing this lamp
wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about getting a goat?
me [stops feeding the goat] You would have said no
First base: drinks
Second base: hooking up
Third base: consistently hanging out for over 3 months and refusing to call it a relationship because both of you are terrified of commitment and communication
Science can’t explain it, but some hairs can grow up to a quarter inch overnight. Never in a good spot though
me: I’m in a terrible mood
friend: try drinking some water
me: how dare you my emotions are real and can’t be placated
[immediately after drinking water]
me: okay obviously the water didn’t do anything but I think while drinking I took time to reflect and feel better
BOSS TELLS ME I CAN KISS MY FERRETS AT WORK, BUT NO OPEN MOUTH. I PUNCH THE FLOOR SO HARD HIS SCREEN SAVER DEACTIVATES