[doctor’s office]
Nurse: Can you step on the scale?
Me: Of course.
Nurse: (waiting)
Me: You mean now? Oh hell no!
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♫ Hey there Delilah, for your word spell Mississippi
“May I have the definition?”
The state siblings can get frisky ♪
and cousins toooo ♫
When you hear your kid shout “HERE, HOLD MY LOLLIPOP!” you know it’s about to go down.
The human body is 90% water, so we’re basically just cucumbers with anxiety.
Y’all say redheads eat souls like it’s a bad thing, but I’m telling you, this diet is really going to pay off come swimsuit season.
Priest: What can I do for you son?
Me: A man ran over my dog and several hours later he died
Priest: Oh no I am so sorry
Me: The good news is my dog’s ok
I miss the days before the internet, when you didn’t know some person’s every awful thought until they died and you cleaned out their attic.
PARAMEDIC: this man needs a transfusion
JESUS: i got this *turns water into wine*
PARAMEDIC: he doesn’t need wine he needs blood
JESUS: this is my blood
“the average CEO reads 52 books a year” yeah bc they don’t have a JOB
How’d you come up with the idea?
Inventor of pac man: I took a bunch of pills one night and ate a ghost. I thought “now here’s something”
Them: “It gave me all the feelings!”
Me: “Literally just name one.”
Whatever your age, I think you should try to learn something new every day. Today I learned that 50 year old men shouldn’t run for trains. Discovering that ambulance beds are surprisingly comfortable was merely a bonus lesson.
[I remove my bike helmet, but my toupee comes off with it]
“I’m sorry guys, is there something funny about safety?”
Me: *rubbing bread on a dog*
Friend: When I said pet with the grain
i remember one time i flew spirit and there was a medical emergency and the flight attendants asked if there was a doctor aboard and this old man woke up from his nap and said “ain’t no doctors flying spirit”
The most dangerous game to play is “resting your eyes” in the morning after shutting off your alarm 😂😂
10: Mom.
Me: What!! It’s late.
10: Beds are basically wireless chargers for humans.
JUDGE: your sentence will last for 5 years
ME: I can’t speak that slowly
A San Francisco man is running seven marathons in seven days on seven continents; he’s expected to be seven times as annoying about it.
Sometimes late at night, if you listen real carefully, you can hear parents removing batteries from annoying toys.
BARISTA: Would you like to try our new special Peruvian blend? It’s sm-
ME: I’m just trying to stay awake and not punch anyone.
I’m going back to work tomorrow after the holiday break, which means playing that annual game:
What food is rotting in the office kitchen?
They: ‘ Where are you from?’
Me: ‘I’m from 80s.’
sin harder.
After it’s spent a hard day protecting my phone I take my OtterBox off. I rest my case.
Me: the vacuum broke
Husband: that sucks
Me: no it doesn’t
[First day as a plumber]
Boss: What’s wrong?
Me: *tearing up* This is nothing like Mario.
My special skill is making detailed shopping lists and leaving them at home when I go to the store.
if harambe happened today it would be like the 40th thing down in the news. it wouldn’t even make the ticker
‘Hit me with your pet shark’ #RuinAn80sSong