If I chase you, it’s definitely with a flamethrower.
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Nothing is quite as scary as hearing your doorbell ring on the same night you made a blood sacrifice to the dark lord.
I opened this great self-care app.
It’s called “the fridge.”
Has anyone done the math on “a problem shared is a problem halved.”
Ice cream cones are for when you would rather eat the bowl than wash it.
Press A to HEED MY OMINOUS WARNING
Press B to SCOFF AND CONTINUE
You know how I know society sets us up to fail?
Roombas only work if your house is already clean.
if the mechanic starts explaining the problem by saying “I don’t know who worked on this car before me…” you may as well just hand over your wallet and check back in a month
What I really need to know is what exactly is a marie kondo, and can I eat one?
*watches nature documentary*
*moves my giraffe print pillows far away from my tiger print pillows*
remember if you want to send me flowers today my favorite kind are mushroom pizza
When a celebrity dies, who’s the helpful psychopath that immediately changes all the “is”s to “was”s on their Wikipedia page?
HER: [parallel parking] i’m so bad at this
HIM: you should probably get tested
HER: lol it’s not that bad
HIM: i have chlamydia
me: [pretends to throw ball for my GF’s dog and laughs]
GF: “you’ll regret that one day”
me: “why?”
GF: “my dog holds grudges”
me: “don’t be stupid”
[one year later]
priest: “does anyone here know why these two should not be wed?”
from the back: “WOOF”
“YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF!”
I scream at my bladder in the middle of the night
I’ve taken sex off the table on first dates, much to the relief of everyone else at the restaurant.
I don’t understand people who do things on weekends. You just did things all week. What’s next, more things?? That’s how they get you
Anybody here really good at Wheel of Fortune? I need help figuring out a drunk dm.
My tax refund was so big that I didn’t even have to dilute my body wash with water this month.
It’s hard eating this ramen with chopsticks. The broth keeps spilling on the steering wheel.
These are my roll models.
the holes in my logic are there so it can breathe
[private investigator hands me a folder] well she’s not cheating on you
[looking though numerous photos of my wife refrigerating bread] oh god no
*Feels the chill*
Chill: I have a boyfriend
Ways to tell a woman’s mad at you:
1. She’s silent.
2. She’s yelling.
3. She acts the same.
4. She acts different.
5. She murdered you.
Australia is like someone’s still playing jumanji
You know the saying “if at first you don’t succeed, try, try again”? Yeah, that doesn’t work when vacuuming up a pancake.
It’s one thing to get a golf tee stuck in a nostril. Shit happens. But if you’ve got a golf tee in each nostril, that’s a pattern. Wake up.
A great way to get a cw to stop talking to you permanently is to start clipping your toenails in the middle of their story