A $300 dollar bat won’t fix a $2 dollar swing
-life lessons from Softball Coach
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Me looking for the right song so I can carry on cleaning
i don’t want to know what five dentists think about a certain toothpaste, i want to know what they think about EVERYTHING. four out of five dentists recommend kierkegaard
I was washing my car and my neighbor said when I’m done I can wash his car too and we laughed and laughed and then I water boarded him
wife: listen you have to help me be accountable when it comes to eating better
me: no this is a trap i will not fall for anymore.
“I wondered if I could use a study room that’s private and out of the line of sight where nobody can see or hear what I’m doing in there.”
“Well, since you put it that way, absolutely not.”
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
I spray perfume samples in the gym bathroom like I’m a priest doing an exorcism with holy water
anytime I meet someone who doesn’t like dogs I assume their backstory is that they were cut from their high school basketball team because airbud took their spot
If I ever run into my doppelgänger I’m going to steal his liver.
When spiders see you left a pair of shoes in the garage
I’m surprised more killers haven’t lured their victims into their houses by blind folding them and promises of being on a febreze commercial
Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets. Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets.
[Dr.]
“Your blood is 40% cheese, if you eat ANY more you’ll die”
*slowly raises piece of cheese to mouth*
“Don’t do it”
*eats cheese*
*dies*
As my girlfriend was trying on jeans, a clerk asked her “Need a bigger size?” I saw the look on her face and went to make room in the trunk.
One of my girlfriend’s bras made it into the dryer.
It was nice knowing you guys.
Gravy boat.
Gravy boat.
All the dishes are on my son’s bedroom floor so I’m drinking coffee from a GRAVY BOAT!
“My nose is going to grow now” said Pinocchio, rending a paradoxical black hole in the fabric of space-time.
It’s like the people in this restroom don’t even want my help unbuttoning their pants.
STOP RUNNING AWAY I JUST WANT TO HELP YOU
me: *easily carrying 20 grocery bags* hi 😉
her: are those empty
The facial recognition on my iPhone recognizes me in sunglasses but not when I’m smiling
I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.
I hate when I skip lunch and come home and inhale my kitchen
I’m at this weird place in my life right now where I’m being chased by police helicopters
Me: My ex had a problem. He was constantly nauseous.
Friend: Actually that word is often used incorrectly. “Nauseated” describes feeling queasy. “Nauseous” means the person causes a feeling of sickness.
Me: I stand by what I said.
My son went over to a friend’s house & his Mom asked when we wanted him home. From her expression I think she was expecting a time, not day.
[bar on St. Patrick’s Day]
him: SLANTY *clink*
me: I think you mean sláinte
him: no, slanty is how I stand after I drink Irish whiskey
I’ve had my air fryer running for 197 continuous hours and I’ve got zero fried air to show for it.
Name’s Todd.
I’m in charge of Blockbuster’s late rentals now.
Does the name Road Hogs mean anything to you?*shoots kneecap*
How bout now?
There should be a tv game show where couples have to scroll through every streaming service looking for something they both want to watch and if time runs out, they get divorced.