Officer, why do you say “full body cavity search” like it’s a bad thing?
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i mentioned that my parents have been married 40 years and my gf was like “wow, i wonder what it would be like to love someone for 40 years” and it’s like, just to be clear, my parents wouldn’t know
Slipknot sacked their drummer a few months ago, and suddenly Kate Middleton is nowhere to be seen?
Surely not a coincidence, she must be locked in rehearsals frantically learning their tour set list and getting a horror mask fitted.
“…tell me I can’t have a fish… I want a fish I’ll damn well have a fish… she’s not the boss of me… don’t know who that woman thinks she is…”
Her: Was your child gifted?
Me: No, we had him naturally
Me: *winking while holding up an eggplant
Passport photographer: No
Mickey: ok but that’ll be $20 extra
Goofy: Done.
*Mickey puts on bow and heels*
The new Disney Pixar movie sounds wild
I’m on chapter two of the dictionary and this thing is just so disconnected. Like, what happened to the aardvark from the beginning?
I just switched my phone to airplane mode and a small child appeared and started kicking me in the back.
If you’re looking for an experimental couple, we’re trying a new chicken recipe tonight, hit us up.
Girl asked me if I wanted to watch a “romcom” so I’m going to assume she means “Roman Combat” and put on Gladiator.
I miss Taco Bell so much that tonight I drank a bottle of gorilla laxative.
There’s 7 million people in this world and you think I’m gonna let one customer with a bad attitude to ruin my day??? damn right I am I’ll probably even go cry in the freezer too
Me: *barges into the room*
How dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
I love writing because it combines my two favorite hobbies: sitting and self-doubt.
God: take the worst of his personality.
Angel: okay.
God: then take the worst of her personality.
Angel: got it.
God: now mix them all together.
Angel: what do you want to call this mess?
God: call it a kid.
I wonder if racist families have that one liberal uncle who gets drunk at Thanksgiving and goes on about how Obama is DEFINITELY American.
Don’t pee on my head and tell me it’s raining, buddy!
(In fact please don’t pee on my head and tell me anything, this was just a metaphor but still)
[first date with a therapist]
ME: so, tell me about myself
So, Tim Cook came out of the cloud?
As a fan of Dirty Dancing I can only hope that when we go on holiday one of my daughters sleeps with a middle aged dance instructor.
I just ate a perfectly ripe avocado, kinda thought my super power would be more exciting.
A girl started to drink barbecue sauce like it was water and I just stood there and watched because I haven’t been trained for this
4 dentists: [coming out of the woods]
guy who saw them go in: hey weren’t there five of you
4 dentists: [in agreement] no
Pretty sure the inventor of noise-canceling headphones had a young kid trying to learn a band instrument.
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions
“He hired a clown for my nana’s funeral”
PEOPLE NEEDED CHEERING UP, KAREN
Me: Haha hate it when I walk into a room and then forget what I came in for.
Executioner: Seriously these are your last words?
who will stop them