DOCTOR: [holding $5 bill] what’s this for?
ME: it’s a tip
DOCTOR: okay but you’re still dying
ME: [hands him another $5 bill]
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[first time hearing bag pipes]
ME: What a pleasant experience.
[1 minute later]
ME: This can stop.
My therapist says my little dragon friend isn’t real. But, my little dragon friend says my therapist isn’t real, and I’ve known her longer.
King Crab: look at me, I have delicious legs
Imitation Crab *with funny voice*: look at me, I have delicious legs
I can never understand what our accent chair is saying.
It’s ok. I killed the oregano flake on the counter.
I talk in my sleep according to my phone bill.
*E=mcHammer
*when E is a constant variable that can’t be touched
me: I miss handshakes
cannibal: have mine I’m not thirsty
A man accidentally made eye contact with me on the train, so I left my shoe behind.
And now, we wait…
ME: Doctor, doctor. I think I’m a pair of curtains.
DOC: Pull yourself together!
*both laughing*
DOC: But seriously, I’m gonna refer you to a therapist cos that shit ain’t right.
Those turkeys presidents pardon? HUGE campaign donors.
I only have eyes for you. I got them from the morgue. I’ll probably get arrested.
Are you sure you want to unsubscribe? Yes. Really really sure? Yes. Really really really sure? Yes. What if I show you my promo code? No. Please write a 600 word essay on unsubscribing.
“no” – me after being asked by the joker if i wanted to know how he got his scars
House for sale. Spider on ceiling.
I wear my 5k tshirt as proof of the day I exercised
looks like someone ordered the brontosaurus ribs
[Son’s 1st day of school]
Me: Did you make any friends today?
Son: Yes!
Me: *kneels down next to him* how do you do that?
them: I’ll call you, we’ll do coffee
me outwardly: yay
me inwardly: nope
[at interview]
“ok 1st question you’re on a submarine you find a dog, what do you call him”
umm
“…”
subwoofer?
“welcome to the navy seals”
The animals in Australia are dangerous, but they’re the most dangerous in Queensland because they can move in any direction.
Artists when they havent drawn for 1 second
Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.
Relationship status: It’s not complicated I’m just an idiot
interviewer: can you use word
me: buddy [putting hand on his shoulder] I can use a lot of words
[at my funeral]
Priest: he died doing what he loved
My friend Pete from the back: he liked it yeah but I wouldn’t say he loved making toast in the bath
You say illegal, I say added to my bucket list.
Every time I go to bed early my cat decides this is the night she will find and kill god
For all those men who say”Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?”
I say: why buy an entire pig just to get a little sausage!
Him: I’m attracted to bad girls
Me: *changes lanes without signaling*