“How’s the diet going?”
I beep when I back up now.
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I believe in you. But I also believe in aliens, big foot, and werewolves so don’t get too excited.
Prince: it’s taking an awfully long time to let down that hair
Curly-haired Rapunzel: (struggling with a straightening iron) be PATIENT
Poker is a game of pretending you’ve got something better than you really do. Poker sounds a lot like my marriage.
Oh you love hot sauce? Cool I get heartburn from brushing my teeth
Cutting the mail slot in my door bigger to fit a pizza box.
An unboxing video but it’s the toys my kid buried under her bed and forgot she had…
me: [sets to bed time reminders on my Fitbit to be responsible]
Later that night
Fitbit: time for bed
me: DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO
My son just told me everyone wishes they had a mother like me and I don’t know if I should hug him or ask him what the hell he did wrong.
Drugs are not the answer. Unless the question is “What are you in for?”
Isaac Newton was the pride of the family until his great great grandson Fig was born.
Keep your friends close and your fat friends closer, because snacks.
If I text you “🤔🥺😏🤦♂️😭😥🤨😔😘😔😏🤦♂️😏🤦♂️😉🤦♂️😘😊🏆🙄🤔🙄😏😔❤️💁🤨” it means my 4 year old stole my phone.
Apparently pumping to a woman means something entirely different.
I thought she meant the gym.
I wondered why my cereal tasted funny…😫😫😫
If you drive a Hummer, I will assume you are a douchebag. If aforementioned Hummer is bright yellow, I will crown you their king.
I just returned from a long trip and tossed my suitcase on the floor of my room, so I won’t see those clothes again for several months.
[going to the gym for the first time ever] Forgive me trainer for I have sinned, it has been 37 years since I’ve worked out
me: hey it smells like upmanyoudontneedcouplescounselling in here
therapist: what’s upmanyoudontneedcouplescounselling?
me: haha right on, cya guys
wife: wha-
therapist: omfg he’s so smooth why would you ever wanna leave him?
An app that makes the sound of a door slamming when you hang up on someone who pissed you off.
My kids are starting to ask questions that I don’t know the answers to so I’m going to have to trade them in for dumber models.
*at the confessional
Priest: .’..and do you repent? Do you plan to repeat these sins?’
Me: ‘You mean, like, ever?’
4-year-old: Why does the dog pee on stuff?
Me: It’s like writing his name on it.
4: So I-
Me: YOU HAVE TO USE PENCILS.
No I don’t want your man. I’m not even sure why you want your man.
I’m “When I get a haircut I think she cuts more hair off my ears and eyebrows than my head” years old.
My daughter had two Barbies arguing and now one of them is getting a haircut, so I think we all know who won that argument.
PATIENT: i just feel like something is missing from my life
THERAPIST: [is a cat] have you tried biting plastic
Come on guys, lemme back in the gang! I’m real good at crimes!
“No”
Why?
“YOU GOT ARRESTED BY A POLICE HORSE CARL HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE”
Me: [talking out loud while I write in my diary] today was ok, I just wish I could have eaten more breadsticks
Waiter: *sighs* sir would you like more breadsticks
just got divorced on zoom in a dunkin donuts, the way the lord intended
DATE [annoyed] in your profile, it said u had amazing abs
ME [slams car to a stop] Amy it’s the best anti-lock braking system I’ve ever had