*Selling Thanksgiving raffle tickets
Me: Hey, how about taking a chance on a turkey?
Her: No thanks, I don’t want to go out with you!
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I went on a first date with a man who spent the better part of the first hour ruminating about his recent ex
And yes I let him pay for my glass of wine and appetizer because a therapist would have charged double
Europeans are like “we go on holiday but Americans don’t go on holiday, they go on vacation.”
WE DON’T GO ON VACATION EITHER
My birthstone is kidney
Buck naked
The liquor store clerk just wished me Merry Christmas like he’s not going to see me 8 more times before then.
9-year-old: I missed a word on my spelling test.
Me: That’s okay. I used to have trouble spelling.
9: But then you got better?
Me: No. I got spell check.
Me: OMG WHAT THE HELL
Child: The news said it’s more sanitary to sneeze into an elbow.
Me: THEY MEAN YOUR OWN ELBOW
Cars should have a thing where if you drive around with your blinker on for too long, they explode.
My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.
[tour of zoo]
kid: “i think its a elephant”
me: “are you giving the tour”
kid:
me: “anyway as i was saying this is the big snake face thing”
I had to walk behind my teenager during his zoom class in order to go to the bathroom and now his peers know that he has parents. THAT HE LIVES WITH. He’s obviously very upset. Please send him your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
Wife (in deep thought): *clicking pen over and over again*
Me: Can you please stop doing that while we’re having sex?
My staunch refusal to procreate has deprived some very competent therapist of a vacation home.
My coworker Pete got fired and apparently I didn’t lighten the mood by calling him Obsol-Pete.
words that seem cool until you find out what they mean
– atrophy
– space bar
– supervision
– extraction
– dogmatic
This might be the most wholesome advice column question I have ever seen
age 14: guys, watch this i’m gonna jump off this wall [eats absolute shit and gets up like its nothing]
age 25: [googling ‘is the way i’m wearing my guitar strap hurting my back’]
I lost my thumb in a serious movie rating accident.
“You saw nothing.”
-me, to the neighbor kids about the toy I just shoved in the trash
8yo: Dad, can I eat on the couch?
Me: Sure, as long as you’re carefu-
8yo: I spilled my drink
Me: Of course
Kid at skatepark:
“Are you Tony Hawk?”
me: I am
him: “no you’re not”
me: ok, I’m not
him: “but are you, FOR REAL?”
me: I am, for real
him: I thought you’d look younger
me: ME TOO
doctor: where does it hurt
me: everywhere
doctor: where specifically
me: well right now, in your office
ME: I‘ve been feeling a little horse
JOCKEY: you’re disgusti–
ME: I mean my throat hurts
JOCKEY: oh right ok
ME: [under breath] from kissing so many goddamn sexy horses
Of course I’m desirable, I have many snacks hidden about my person, I’m a veritable buffet!
I don’t always drink tequila but when I do, where the hell are my clothes?
Just got kicked off a corn forum for saying you can eat the cob. I’ll just sign up with a different name. They can’t silence the truth.
Me: My flight was canceled so I won’t be home until tomorrow.
Her: but you said you were just going out for milk.
If by high maintenance you mean she looks like a stoned janitor, then yeah, she’s high maintenance.
Me: Something is fishy here
Red herring: *acts very casual
me: [walks into a darkened room of people holding hands around a table] what are you guys doing
psychic: *whispers* seance
me: ance