shakespeare: to sleep, perchance to dream
me: *lies wide awake in bed wondering what “perchance” means*
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How did SkyMall go bankrupt? I bought all my wife’s birthday presents there before she left me.
Get in loser, we are going dumpster diving.
Ran into someone that said “oh I haven’t seen you in a long time” and I was like I know I did that on purpose.
*first day of pilot school*
Teacher: Did you read the class description wrong?
Me: No, why do you ask?
The parrot on my shoulder: No, why do you ask?
Hey big accounts –
What’s it like to tweet “My cat sneezed”
and get 500 RT in the first minute ?My cat would be dead before I got 50
everyone gangster til the tickle monster show up
Mom called. She was worried. Thought maybe I moved because I haven’t answered her email and she wouldn’t know the new address to send it to.
Onion rings.
What sounds do other vegetables make?
What do you call a really small strawberry? 🍓
Strawbarely.
#StrawberryDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
[couples therapy]
HER: His obsession with Star Wars is tearing us apart
ME: *covering my Yoda doll’s ears* Hear you he can, Karen
[inventing jazz]
a
me: what if music w
s
l i
k e
t
h
i s
You’re right, teenagers: We don’t know what you’re going through. The rest of us skipped straight from 12 to 20. Best decision we ever made.
*a single grain of pollen enters my nose*
My sinuses: We refuse to work in these hostile and unsafe conditions
Me: if I told you that you have a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?
Funeral Director: Please leave sir
Me- Can I borrow a screwdriver? Neighbor- Phillips or regular? Me- Grey Goose and Tropicana
Hot air balloon operator: How long a ride do you want?
Me: Can we stay up for 12 to 18 months?
Back to the Future IV: Marty Mcfly stops being obsessed with his own family and goes back in time to kill Hitler.
If you answer the phone and say “Hello, you’re on the air.” most telemarketers will hang up quickly.
My husband just called to ask me what aisle something is in because he won’t ask for directions in a grocery store either.
Little does the bus driver know, that “I love you” I shout after my kids every morning is for him too.
[job interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
Alcohol
“Umm ok, how about strengths?”
*pouring him a shot* Sharing
Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.
I was told flattery would get you everywhere but the bank manager in charge of this vault does not agree.
I go to the same coffee shop twice every morning, 1st with my dogs, right out of bed, second on my way to work after I have brushed my hair and put on makeup.
I’m fairly certain thr barista thinks I’m 2 different people.
Jesus: man shall not live by bread alone
Me: *mouthful of cheese* halleluryurrr
Just painted around a ceiling fan and on the next coat I’m gonna turn the damn thing off.
Me: [lifting balaclava] what do you mean you don’t want to do a jewellery heist?
Tinder date: I thought we were gonna go on a date
Me: ok I feel like I was pretty clear in my profile I was looking for a partner in crime
HER: If you could have any pet—
ME: Panda.
HER: Wow. Okay, what would you name—
ME: Pandrew.
There’s absolutely no way Lady Gaga was born with half an Office Depot hot-glued to her head.
In grade 5 during biology my teacher asked me “what is in cells?”
I answered my Uncle Eric and Dad and she made me go home.