Wife, lecturing son: You can’t just “wing it” your entire life
Me, later to my son when we’re alone: You actually can just wing it, you just can’t tell people that’s what you’re doing
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My cat managed to open a kitchen cabinet and sliced open a bag of flour. I walked into what looked like a feline version of the movie Blow.
I’ve noticed eating popcorn during video calls tends to get them wrapped right up. Give it a go.
Welcome to your 40’s: see that kid dressed up like a cop, he is a cop.
[inventing llamas]
Angel: didn’t you just make those yesterday?
God: that was an alpaca
Angel: what’s the difference?
God: I don’t know
Angel: …
God: nobody knows
Scream movies would never happen in this day and age because every time the killer would call we’d just let it go to voicemail.
#HighSchoolTaughtMe how to solve any math word problem
Call all your previous ones relationsinks.
Cheers to all who skipped that one dish at Thanksgiving because you just didn’t trust the person who brought it.
💯😂
what’s another way to say “codependent psycho”? I want this dating profile to be perfect
*stops abruptly at red light*
*instinctively reaches out arm to protect food in passenger seat*
“Plane” kicks off a series of movies named by little boys pointing at things. Watch out for “Truck” in 2024 and “Doggie” in 2025.
I’m more than willing to test out that whole “money can’t buy happiness” thing.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: Might I suggest a shower?
My boss used to call me “the computer”. Nothing to do with intelligence. I go to sleep if left unattended for 15 minutes.
On your deathbed tell everyone “pray for me” then make sure to leave a note to be opened after you die that says “pray harder next time”
Imagine you discovered the ability to time travel.
You go 30 years into the future expecting to meet your future self only to discover that you’ve been missing for 30 years.
Unappreciated diet tip: If you want to lose a significant amount of weight, it’s important to start out really fat.
My term for half of a 13×9 pan of brownies is “dessert”.
My term for the other half is “breakfast”.
Messaging my hair person to make an appointment for sometime in the week and finding out they are now based in the UK….
Are you bored? Try something new! Draw a picture! Write a story! Strip naked, paint yourself green, and hide in a zucchini patch!
*teenage girl breaks pencil*
“I CAN’T EVEN WRITE NOW!”
juries are sort of a bad idea idk… have you met 12 people ??
Doc gave me new meds & I forgot what he said to do with the old meds so been taking em all and boy o boy what a day.
it’s sweet how my son likes to swing by and check on me when his rent is due
When someone asks me if I could hold their baby I immediately drop my phone, try to pick it up and drop it again twice, and then say “Sure”.
This morning I brushed my hair with an American Girl doll brush because, apparently, she is the only one in my house who puts things back where they belong.
7yo son: May I have some water?
Me: What are the magic words?
7yo son: I can get it myself.
Me: There you go.
me, trying to order a floral arrangement by phone:
Hi, what is the price of something…flowery? Yes, I’d like a floral arrangement made of flowers. Do I have any preferences? No….just something floral….like, with flowers. Something with petals. Thank you. 🥴
Meatloaf was so named because of his incredible likeness to his father, Meatlo.