Christmas note to self: too much tequila makes tinsel look tasty.
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[Later, Snake sees a Lizard]
Snake (to God): DUDE! Seriously??
*God and Lizard high-five, adding insult to injury*
Me, when son comes for the weekend from college: I can’t wait to make a good dinner for him.
Me, when finding out his classes will be all online next quarter: Shit, now I have to cook more!
*tries to quietly check the football score during a home invasion
Husband: You have a chip on your shoulder.
Me: You know that’s untrue because I would have already eaten it.
20% of traffic accidents involve deer.Who allowed deer to drive in the first place?
Girls get so turned on when you take charge. Grab her hair and tell her she needs a shampoo with no harsh sulfates and a new lip stain.
I’ve seen enough episodes of Dateline to know never to stand near a cliff while letting Hubs take my picture.
Pho tastes great for a food that sounds like it just gave up.
Squid Game, but it’s me giving my cat a bath.
[going thru airport security]
“Please turn your laptop on”
*I start to stroke it’s audio input*
“That’s not what I-‘
Me: No no it likes this
*zips up tent*
[Wife]: What happened
[Me,scratched up & clothes ripped]: I was uh..
*flashback to me being chased by a bee* wrestling a bear
One time I got so mad at capitalism I paid off all my credit cards
Seize the day! Kidnap the evening! Murder the night! Assault the afternoon!
“This sunscreen smells like eggs.” -me, drunk at the lake and smearing myself with mayonnaise
Before you call me, ask yourself, “Can I text it?”
Before you text me, ask yourself, “Can I email it?”
Before you email me, ask yourself, “Can I just think it really, really hard?”
It’s funny how Twitter dropped the egg avi and now people are using apps to smooth out their faces so much, they all look like eggs.
My son had to pick his towel up off the floor today. Apparently he’s forced to do everything around here.
Whenever the weather guy on tv says morning sunshine, I always say “and good morning to you too sweetie!”
Date: wanna get out of here?
Me: let me just tie my shoe *realizes i don’t know how to tie my shoes* how bout another round of spaghetti
The worst is that a 27 y/o who wanted to marry Charles Manson & charge ppl to see his corpse had more of a future financial plan than we do.
I accidentally got my blow up doll pregnant.
Related: I’ve got some balloons for sale.
Sex is great, but have you ever ate some fries after doing keto for 6 months?
Halloween: The one day I can flap my arms like a bat and nobody asks any questions.
Ever realize the only thing stopping you from a life of crime is a good night’s sleep? Anyway, I slept well.
I drank the blood of a vampire. Tasted irony.
Giraffe: That’s the most disgusting thing I’ve ever seen!
[5 min later]
*vomits*
if we know your religion, stance on gun control & how many kids you have just by looking at your car, you have way too many bumper stickers
I was going to wash my car in my driveway but then I realized I don’t own a halter top or cut-off shorts.
Dammit.
LOGIC: Obviously, the end of the week is the “weekend”
CALENDARS:
What if I offe
red you ano
ther idea of what “week
end” means?