[unzips fannypack filled with jellybeans and some fall out]
Dammit
[bends over to pick them up and the rest spill out]
DAMMIT
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I need a plethora of Piñatas in my office. What better way to relieve stress than violently assaulting something until it bleeds candy
Burritos are what happens when your food hugs itself.
HIM: I eat guys like you for breakfast.
ME: I don’t underst—it’s 2:15, you can’t have breakfast now.
HIM: No, like, I’m threatening you.
ME: For tomorrow?
I enjoy reading, long walks on the beach, and getting myself into situations where the only way out is to fake my own death.
call me a mcdonald’s ice cream machine bc i dont feel like working today
That awkward moment when someone asks you “who do you like to listen to?” and you forget every band in history.
Breakfast: “Coffee, please.”
Lunch: “Just grilled chicken over a small salad.”
Dinner: “I’ll take a wheelbarrow full of lasagna and enough chocolate to kill a horse.”
[hell]
me: wow it’s hot down hereguy: ya but it’s a dry heat
me: i totally get why you’re here
Whoever said “There is nothing as precious as a child’s laughter” obviously never fell down a flight of stairs in front of his kids.
“Why would you want to live in the Matrix instead the richness of reality, doesn’t make any sense,” I mutter as I reach for my phone immediately after waking up.
Life cycle of cat
Some lady at Olive Garden died, so we’re rummaging through her stuff. Just like a real family.
Whoever you are, you can’t deny that
Harry Potter & the Fallopian Tubes
sounds like a legitimate title.
Don’t act like you wouldn’t read it.
restaurants: hey kid. wanna color in some trees? a castle? some animals? grassy hills? here’s a blue and a red crayon.
Wife: You should cut the grass.
Me: Yes, dear.
W: And, you really need to trim that bush.
M: *mumbles* Yeah, you too.
W: What?
M: Yes, dear.
[commercial for string cheese] do you like cheese?
me: YES
“do you like string?”
me: yes?
*Looks around nervously* The steam from my pasta is ungluing my chest hair toupee and the other mafia bosses are taking notice.
Genie: You can’t have unlimited wishes.
Me: I wish for unlimited genies.
Genie: Son of a
*stares at bottel of sleepin pills* when wil they wakE UP
I’m not saying I’m a hero, but I did just give a bottle of wine mouth to mouth.
It didn’t make it.
It’s pretty impressive how chill toddlers are most of the time when you remember that they usually have 0 context for anything that is happening.
Today, a week after we moved to another state, my son looked around and then asked, “are we still on earth?”
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
PRIEST: What is your view on celibacy?
ME: I thought her vocal performance on Goldfinger was outstanding.
“Man did I just waste $7?”
-Vampire in the carnival Hall of Mirrors.
[time traveler returns home to 1881] guys i forgot to grab the cure for malaria but here’s some…DORITOS LOCOS TACOS [loud cheering]
What’s the craziest thing you’ve done for money?
I’ll go first: I went to college.
Ice Ice Baby, Ice Ice Baby
All right stop, Collaborate and listen
This frozen baby needs to see a physician
ME: long time no see! I heard you’re a doctor
FRIEND: I am. what do you do now?
ME: [glances down at open twitter app] I’m a writer
At a local restaurant, I got on one knee and she said yes. 13 years later I haven’t got the balls to tell her I was just chasing a crouton.
If you arrive home, it’s not a holiday, and your driveway is full of family member’s cars, keep going…….It’s an intervention