[on honeymoon in Paris]
Her: Look, there’s the Eiffel Tower
Me: Wait, I thought you said you’d never been to Paris before?
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I’m so hungover. My sweat is pure tequila. A mosquito landed on me and now I think it’s drunk. It’s texting its ex.
MOM STOP LICKING YOUR FINGER TO CLEAN MY FACE I’M IN A GANG NOW
His Holiness the Dalai Lama invited you to play Candy Crush.
I will be celebrating Columbus Day by setting sail for India, landing in Spain, and telling everyone who lives there to move out.
“If you love something, set it free…”
Unless it’s a man…
Cause he’ll get lost…
And you know he won’t ask for directions…
I am not gullible. I am just easily tricked- which someone told me is different.
Your whole life changes when your older kid is finally old enough to babysit your younger kid.
Did Counting Crows ever give us a total number of crows
“What’s it like having a two year old boy?”
*throws a toy car at his face*
Like that.
ADVERT: Have you been involved in an accident at work…
*looks up from hospital bed*
ADVERT: …that wasn’t your fault…
ME: Oh.
[Petco]
INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for a real fish person.
ME: Like a mermaid?
INTERVIEWER:
If you do not stop arguing I WILL turn this car around and around and around creating a time vortex teleporting me back to before I had kids
Actual warning I saw in a pamphlet:
“You may be at risk for throat cancer if you have a throat or mouth.”
Oh shit….
My fortune cookie reads “I peed in your fried rice” and it’s hand written…
My 1 yr old only says the words “no,” “mine,” and “bye” and I tried it out and it turns out that’s actually all you need.
*1st time at gym*
*picks up weight*
how do i equip this
*steps on treadmill*
can i get exp on here
*taps huge guy*
do you sell mana potions
Took my kid to a roller rink and strapped on skates for the first time in 30 years.
The arcade games, the music, the disco ball; every detail took me straight back to my youth.
The only new feature was the ambulance ride.
The two FIFA World Cup 2014 songs are Ole Ola & La La La.
Our linguistic evolution as humans never ceases to amaze me.
me: I can’t decide what to have
waiter: what about the duck?
duck: I’ll have lasagna
CANADIAN: im a canadian
DATE: cool i’ve never met a comedian befor
CANADIAN: [is too polite to corect them, dedicates entire life to comedy]
If shame burned calories, I’d be back to my birth weight by now
Mixed signals, like when my family members tell me I drink too much all year but on Christmas and my birthday give me cute wine glasses.
it’s funny they call them “unidentified flying objects”. I could identify them right away. those are ufos
Remember “pantsing” people in high school… sneaking up behind one of your bros and slipping an extra pair of pants on over his pants
“It’s a good friend who, when you want the truth, knows what truth you want.”
Do you really think cats would have anything to do with us if they could open cans of cat food by themselves?
Me: hi! I’m here for my appointment.
Doctor’s office: ok have a seat in the lobby. For like an hour. Then I’mma put you in a lil room for two hours. While you’re in the room people wearing scrubs will come in and out a few times. None of them will be the doctor. $5000 plz
*arouses suspicion*
Suspicion: I have a boyfriend. But c’mere.
I almost got ran over by joggers. I saved myself by pretending to be a stop light. I got away while they jogged in place.
Cop: You’re driving on the wrong side of the road.
Driver: Sorry, I’m English.
Cop: (shouting) It’s the wrong soid of the roade ye was droivin down, innit?