Tom Cruise has signed on for Mission Impossible V. His impossible mission is trying not to show up on everyone’s gaydar.
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My “I’m enraged!” status update on Facebook garnered a lot of congratulations from people who don’t read well.
Guy: so what u up to after this?
Me: {remembering my friend said to be mysterious but quirky} probably eat a whole red onion in an alley
Me: Today I will be patient, kind, and tolerant of things that I can’t control
Also me: Screams at toothpaste for not coming out of the tube faster
“It’s beautiful today. Let’s work outside.”
*5 mins later*
“This was a terrible idea.”
*more bees disrupt the open heart surgery*
If you’ve already seen a couple of chickens break up a couple of rabbits fighting today then just keep on scrolling…
I’ll judge you by the way you treat people.
Also by your music and book preferences, but mostly the first thing.
Guy: you’ve been a bad girl.
Girl: yes baby, punish me.
Guy: OK. *burns all her shoes*.
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
*me talking to a couple* so who’s the 6 and who’s the 9?
[Throwing a ball for my dog]
Dog: I’m not wearing the gown though
why pay kristen stewart millions of dollars when a cardboard cutout of kristen stewart will give the exact same performance for free
Today I’m golfing.
Thoughts and prayers for nearby homeowners.
Don’t get angry…
…get pizza.
For those who don’t know the difference, GRAPHIC NOVELS are COMPLETE stories, where as COMICS are people I try not to date any more.
I’m not doing the london marathon today but I reckon if I start training now and eat more healthily, next year I should be able to watch a whole one.
me: hi i’ve come to pick up my suit
tailor: ok what name is it
me: i dunno maybe trevor the tux or something
My favorite part of yesterday was when the cashier at Whole Foods couldn’t price an item & said “Here just take it I hate this fuckin place”
One time I stepped on a sea urchin and I forgot all about the migraine I was having, so yeah, I’d say acupuncture is pretty effective.
I like how “two” is spelled a little strangely so you’re prepared early on for how insane “eight” is going to be.
grandchild: when did you know you were gonna marry grandpa?
me: when the dude brought 4 different slices of cheesecake on the second date.
My coworker is pregnant and they passed a card around and I didn’t know what to write so I just put HAVE A GOOD BABY TANYA
I can’t grab a drink with you after work. I am limiting my liquids since I am wearing a jumpsuit
Let me sing you the song of my people at 3-4 am.
-my cat.
[screaming into the void]
MARCO
Crazy to think that even after all of these years the Titanic’s pool still has water in it.
Why are they called fireflies and not Bugs Lightrear?
Responding to a question from your wife with interpretive dance tends to raise more questions than it answers.
I eat my gummy bears 2 at a time ..no one should die alone
Woman love a men with good grammar
Make there knees week by writing them a love letter or too.
I’m glad humans don’t do the combo breed names like Labradoodle. I wouldn’t want to tell people I’m Germish.