[1st date]
“My birthday is on April 20th, so 4/20. Isn’t that cool? When’s yours?”
Oh, umm *sweating* Sextember 69th
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I’m really glad my dog doesn’t tell anyone about the conversations we have together. Then people would really think I’m crazy.
Evil villain: You can run but you can’t hide!
Me: That’s where you’re wrong pal. *out of breath* I can’t do either
Be the reason why church doors slam shut as you walk by.
People on social media will threaten murder in the comment section of a cake recipe.
Child: If I was drowning at the same time as our dog, who would you rescue first?
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child:
Me: You, of course.
Child: That took you way too long to answer.
*wife comes home*
“Did you fix the toilet?”
Yep!
[she opens door & is hit by avalanche of plums]
“You called the plummer again you idiot!!!”
“Jesus take the wheel!” I shout, but Jesus decided to pop out of the sunroof firing a machine gun at our pursuers instead.
Objects in motion tend to resent objects on the couch not in motion.
Did Batman know that Alfred was embezzling billions to finance a 4-person Magic act that was a front for robbing banks?
Her résumé lists “attention to detale” under strengths.
If you really loved me, you’d punch bumblebees, buy me a pot belly pig and wash my Jeep with your ferret.
Saying it, is just words.
Before you get on the elliptical next to me, just know that I’m an ugly crier.
I watched a guy at the gym put his shoes on like:
Sock, shoe. Sock, shoe.
And then he walked away like it was completely normal.
Hostess: Are you staying for dessert?
Me: Oh no, I couldn’t. I’m too full. (ice cream dripping from my purse)
I can’t imagine the things this hotel air conditioner has seen.
a lot of people are really funny but they’re not comedians and a lot of comedians are really funny but they’re not people
Therapist: So you’re sheltering in place..?
Me: Yes but when I have to go out, there’s always some weirdo who won’t let me social distance
Husband: I thought we agreed no name-calling
Friend: check out my conscience shell
Me: you mean conch? *holds up to ear*
Shell: you saw those kids get in that van and you did nothing
[ explaining The Plan ]
jesus: ok i gotta be honest, you lost me at the giant rabbit with eggs
god: look man, these ppl are idiots
Her: You smell like alcohol.
Me: awww, you smell lovely too.
My dog and I play this game, it’s called What Are You Chewing On Now?… it goes both ways
Jurassic World is so unrealistic. Like a teenager would ever just drop his cell phone while being chased by a dinosaur.
Me: So now you will deep dive into my lore?
Interviewer: Well, we prefer to call it a background check.
I love how fresh & clean my bathroom smells after I’ve killed a spider with a full bottle of windex
Guys, my husband has been watering A PLASTIC PLANT I put in his home office since March…
Mandatory urine test tomorrow means asparagus for dinner tonight.
Two can play.
*stirs coffee with knife*
*licks knife*
“Let’s do this”
*wakes kids for school*
Handing out samples at Costco:
“These are mini hand sanitizer/toilet paper sandwiches, they’re really popular right now”
Dog: Why don’t you feed me more?
Me: Because I love you and I don’t want you to get fat.
Dog: … You must really hate yourself.