“I hate confrontation”
“No, you don’t”
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My mind is like a sponge.
It spends most of its time in filthy places.
HER: Mmm you smell good.
ME: Thanks. I use both my nostrils.
The Duolingo owl and the Hooters owl are brothers. One chose the path of knowledge. The other, the path of jumbo bazoingas, short shorts and chicken wings. An unbridgeable schism. A tale as old as time.
Arm falls off
Wife: You don’t drink enough water.
Prostate exams do suck but I appreciate how thorough my dentist is.
I make a lot of jokes about my husband and they’re all true, but sometimes I forget to mention how lucky he is with me as a wife.
Today I burned spinach.
How are birds so simultaneously beautiful and annoying as heck?!
I aspire to be birds
My Daddy taught me to lick it before I stick it- I say to the judges as I hang a spit covered spoon from my nose.
Your tweets are so boring the NSA just unfollowed you.
If you think going for a drive isn’t cardio, you haven’t been in my passenger seat.
ADAM: [rummaging through a pile of leaves] EVE, HAVE YOU SEEN MY WORK CLOTHES, HONEY?
Apparently…
Border Security does NOT think it’s funny when you reply,“I’m hungry”
when they ask you if you have anything to declare.
Sober me will always have your back.Drunk me will convince you to get a tattoo of a unicorn doing a dolphin over a rainbow on your back.
Microwaves are just clocks that also heat food.
Don’t fit in their boxes.
You’re not a cat.
Give your child a name with a creative spelling so they can spend their life correcting people.
Margo: And why is the snow all wet, TODD?
Todd: I don’t KNOW, Margo!
Bae: Come over.
Romeo: Can’t. You’re a Capulet, I’m a Montague.
Bae: Deny thy father and refuse thy name; come over.
Romeo: Also, you’re 13.
Justice is a dish best served cold.
If it was served warm, it would be justwater.
72% of trick or treating is yelling “CAR!!!” at your kids.
Bow Wow’s full name is actually Boward Woward
Her: HELP I’M ON FIRE!!
ME: *slow drag on cigarette* Technically, the fire is on you.
I jump from the skyscraper’s ledge, performing 3 graceful somersault, right into the arms of a hot firefighter. Neither of us survive impact
Made it to the level of old where I turned down a beer so it wouldn’t mess with the aftertaste of the milkshake I just had.
Me: oh shit, our new doormat says ‘Welcome,’ do you think any vampire can just come in now?
BF: just turn it around.
How often do you think they wash the Muppets?
“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”
“Depends, into what?”
People whose TL is only quotes from famous people—You do realize you’re not a desk calendar, right?