Pal: That’s an impressive stingray. How’d you catch it?
Me:*flashes back to being dressed as girl stingray* You know, the regular way.
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Lounging on the couch, pants off while munching a Big Mac is a great way to spend Sunday, despite IKEA’s Security guard insisting otherwise.
Searching for stuff on the internet when you’re drunk is called Beer Googles.
To the parent who sent their kid with slime as a Valentine to the class I just want you to know that I will send my daughter with kinetic sand to give to your kid as a thank you gift.
i respect snow plows bc their whole job is to take a giant mess and push it to the side for someone else to deal w later
Me: Sometimes I think I have more imaginary conversations than real ones.
Scarlett Johansson: That’s very interesting.
License and registration please.
“Bears.”
Excuse me?
“Beaaaaars.”
Are you drunk sir?
“BEAAAARS!”
Stop saying bea-
*cop is mauled by bears*
[Day at the beach]
*Puts suits on kids, slathers them with sunscreen, makes sandwiches, packs cooler, packs beach bags, lugs 50 lbs or crap to beach, trudges over sand, lays out blanket, puts up umbrella, sets up beach chairs, *
6yo after 30 minutes: I wanna go back home
“He sees you when you’re sleeping, he knows when you’re awake.” Santa is your cellmate.
It’s easier for me to bite than my dogs, my neighbors finally get it
[chick-fil-a]
EMPLOYEE: can i take your order?
ME: yes, thank you for asking
EMPLOYEE: my pleasure
ME: and thank you for saying it was your pleasure
EMPLOYEE: please don’t do this
ME: oh i’m just getting started
My doctor told me humans need to have an average of 8 cups of water a day.
Which means if just 4 of you have 10 a day I don’t need to have any.
it must be school picture day
me: hey there’s a bloody oar in the water
friend: that’s foreboding
me: I know what they’re for
Startup idea: a gym named Resolution that runs for the 1st month of the year, collects subscription fee, then converts to a bar named Regret
My family’s superpower is filling the recycle bin within 5 minutes of me emptying it.
Teacher: Bob, how do you make a nail plural?
Dumb Bob: You add S.
T: *amazed* Yes! Come up to the board and show us.
DB: [writes] SNAIL
I highly suggest that you do not google that term.
Missing the good old days when McRib was always back and everyone got a free kitten to hold on the bus if they promised to behave
Thanks for the awesome options, autocorrect
[first day as life guard]
guy in water: help! help!! i don’t know how to swim!
me: *moving my arms* like this but in water
As a parent, I spend far too much time identifying what’s stuck to the ceiling.
I always take a fully loaded paintball gun to my psychiatric evaluations because even when I fail, it’s going to be with flying colors.
Slowly he climbs into
my bed. Our eyes meet,
I can feel his desire.His need for me and only me.
• The cat wants to be fed.
Conjunctivitis implies the existence of projunctivitis.
Every time I steal lunch from the office fridge I can’t help but think, I wish my coworkers would pack larger lunches.
I was told to be more optimistic so I’ve decided french fries aren’t bad for me.
Me: Of all my kids, you’re my favorite
12: I’m your only kid
Me: Well that attitude won’t keep you in the top spot for long
Boss: Our toilet is fixed.
M: I can stop pooping at ur house.
B: You’re using the bathroom at my house?
M: There’s a bathroom at ur house?
date: I’ll have the chef’s salad
me: [trying to impress her] I’ll have the CEO’s salad
I wish there was enough room on TV for another show called Judge Judy, but where people just stood around criticizing a woman named Judy.