I asked a millennial why she spent so much money on her wedding. She said you only get married once, then I laughed and laughed.
You Might Also Like
you question the benefit of a $1000 stimulus payment and I challenge you to name a problem 1k donuts can’t solve
wtf is a larm clock?
I don’t think AI should be used to make content…BUT…if there were a way for the paw patrol to tell my son by name that if he doesn’t go to bed they will arrest him…
I met a pet turtle at the park and I asked the guy if he brings it there to play on the swings and slides, and he responds: “No ma’am, turtles don’t use swings and slides”, and I can’t believe he called me ma’am
[using a dust pan for the first time]
Me: honey, how long until this dirt is cooked
A cop just yelled at me and took away my glow sticks. That’s the last time I go to a search party.
Is this one haunted?
“No”
What about that one?
“Ma’am, none of the booze is haunted”
What kind of wine and spirits store is this?!
What doesn’t kill you isn’t earning the money I paid.
When I order pizza online, in the “Special Instructions for the Driver” box, I put “Tell me I’m a pretty princess”.
And they do.
And I am.
my favorite part about gambling is if you lose money you can just bet again and double the stakes and win your money back! it’s called strategy
The first step when putting on a fitted sheet is, nope, it goes the other way.
If someone starts talking to you, easily get out of the conversation by nodding while climbing the nearest tree.
i love that kanye gets into very specific beefs with ppl i have to google but he’s nice enough to say both their first & last name
If aliens ever attack, I hope they do it in rows of 8, going right and left directly above me. I’m very skilled at shooting aliens this way
You ever walk behind someone and you haven’t seen their face yet but you just KNOW they have a mustache
I finally opened the condom in my wallet and it had a beard.
I cleaned the house but I have kids, so that was stupid
The fact that ‘head and shoulders’ doesn’t have a body wash called knees and toes is as much as a disappointment to me, as I am in myself, for writing this Tweet.
[being robbed]
Me: careful.. I’m ARMED
*whips out bible
Robber: lol
*pulls gun out of bible
R: oh
*pulls smaller bible out of gun
Attention Prayer Warriors: My neighbor left town for a funeral today. Please pray for God to protect & guide me as I steal his barbecue pit.
Absolutely travel with kids. It’s important they experience begging to watch their iPad in new environments
I’m tired of 19 year olds thinking they’re special for being hot. You’re 19 You’re supposed to be hot. Call me when you’re 45 and hot.
My wife bought me Costco underwear which I assume is the final line of defense against another woman wanting to have sex with me
i will be the first to admit when something is my fault, it really undercuts the other people blaming me for things
*holding 7 steak knives*
DO I LOOK CRAZY TO YOU
So I taught myself how to juggle chainsaws from a YouTube video and let’s just say this took me twenty minutes to type out one handed
My FIL found my husband’s childhood trumpet and then asked my 5yo if he wanted it. I don’t know what I did for that man to hate me so much, but apparently it was pretty bad.
god: i need you to build a death star
noah: uh, what’s a death star?
god: {flipping through his notes} oh, sorry, wrong story. i need you to build an ark…
Remember, you can always call your senator and leave a bloodcurdling scream.
“We ran out of guacamole so I mashed up one of those worms from the tomato plants and put it on your burrito. It looked kinda the same.”