If my boss knew I rated him “needs improvement” in last night’s sex dream, he probably wouldn’t have been so nice to me today.
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An orca just threw a molotov cocktail at my house.
Friday, Friday, all gonna die next Friday. Everybody’s gettin’ ready for the world’s end. Gotta make My mind up: Which souls should I take?
god: ..and this part is your crust
earth: i’m a pizza 🙂
god: no that’s-
earth: everybody loves pizza 😀
god: but
earth: i’ll be treated so good forever and ever :’)
god: [deep breath in] here’s the thing
Crested mynas, as many other birds, are born altricially, which means young are underdeveloped at the time of birth, therefore fed by parents. When they grow up, they have to learn that food doesn’t simply jump into their beaks [📽️: Rebecca Gelernter]
my father has started calling me “daughter number one” either bc (1) im the firstborn daughter or (2) im his favorite daughter or (3) he forgot my name, which is what i tell my sister, “other daughter” & my brother, “boy daughter”
I failed at chemistry in high school…
And finally started dating in college.
[stirring sparkling water with a hot dog] I wouldn’t say the lottery win changed me
It seems that after checking my bank account, I need to turn to a life of crime
Alexa, take down my Christmas decorations.
Having a lovely family holiday in Rome thanks to this free city guide
My husband found me lying on the sofa and told me that the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”
I love the smell of a camp fire. It reminds me of the night we kille….
…..I just love smell of campfires.
bank transfers when they’re taking money out of your account: haha yeah we can do this at the speed of light now. w/e its cool
bank transfers when they’re putting money in your account: hold on there pardner. we have to load this check on a pony and ride it across texas first
Her: What superpower would you choose?
Me: *sweating* Definitely the USA or China.
I wonder how many calories you burn locking yourself out and having to climb in through a second story window.??
I replace all the family pictures my coworkers have on their desks with pictures of baby sloths and suddenly I need professional help?!?
Anyone else pick up clothes from the floor, knowing full well they are clean, and throw them in the laundry because that’s another day’s problem?
Please tell me I’m not alone on this.
Not now. I’m deglazing.
[invention of croutons]
Let me put a few bread rocks on top of your salad. Trust me, people in neighboring cities will hear you eating this.
Shout out to the kidney bean, the trachea celery, the gall bladder peanut and other foods named after internal organs.
I forgot the word “torch” earlier today so I googled “fire on a stick.” I have two degrees in English.
i don’t “get” knights. i’m not calling some guy sir just because an old lady that eats beans for breakfast tapped him with a sword
found this sweet little abandoned chocolate lab at the park today
Husband: wanna have a quickie?
Me: As opposed to what?
The roof of my mouth has had it too easy lately. I’m gonna eat some scalding hot pizza followed by a handful of granola.
By far the dumbest thing I’ve made
saw a post asking “would you rather wear a fedora every second for the rest of your life, or every beverage you drink for the rest of your life has 2 drops of pee in it” and i thought the answer was obviously pee until i said this out loud to another person and saw their face
Honey Boo Boo evolves into Sugar Scab! Pokemon is back baby!
Prom Date: [coming down stairs in dress] How do I look?
Me, super woke cool guy: You look empowered & worthy of equal salary compensation