Really want to try out a career in tracing, or something along those lines.
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Mayonnaise has been getting a lot of hate, but if you don’t shake up a squeeze bottle of mustard well enough, it will pee on your sandwich.
For Halloween I’m going as an emotional roller coaster.
My background check bounced.
[a person I want to be friends with so bad offers me a cigarette]
Me: oh I love these!
Them: *goes to light it for me*
Me: *already eating it*
Let’s get married, have kids and buy a house where it’ll either be too cold or too hot for someone every day forever.
Them: I really really really want a zigga zig ahhh
Hostage negotiator: ok but you need to let the women and children go first.
If you’re looking for some alone time away from your family, start telling them a story about a great deal you got on something you bought using coupons.
If you start to miss your family and want them to come back, get yourself a snack, open a book, or make a phone call.
I bet you’re all super stoked about election year coming up
GOOD COP: He won’t talk except in sign language
BAD COP: I just cut off his left hand
BAD PUN COP: He still has the right to remain silent
Everything was great until I opened my mouth.
– An autobiography
me: the best things in life are free!
lawyer: again, I don’t think the bank you robbed sees it that way
I say when we bury people we tie their shoes together. If there is a zombie apocalypse, at least it will be goddamn hilarious…
Hear me out. A special line at the airport for people who understand the concept “empty your pockets”
I listen to a lot of white noise, so I get really excited when it rains or someone turns on a fan. It’s like seeing my favourite band live.
please god what the hell did i do to deserve all this *flashback to 12 years ago when i threw a flashbang at my own team in CounterStrike*
‘It’s ok, I’m from the internet’, I whisper from under your bed as you call the police.
Wrapped gifts: boring, predictable
Burying the gifts around the yard: creative, perplexing
I once went to a party with 10% battery life on my phone so you can shut the hell up about your “scary” battle at Normandy, grandpa.
[Boiling in a pot]
Boy lobster: AAAAGGGGHHH!!
Girl lobster: I’m cold
Bear tip: If a bear is mauling you to death, challenge it to a maths quiz instead
(mauling people to death is against the rules in quizzes)
So according to the news today apparently Facebook is still a thing
lmao babies are so bad at tic-tac-toe I win every time
Me: The face is a tortilla. The eyes are banana slices and the mouth is made of peanut butter. His name is Bertram. He’s my best friend.
[12 minutes later]
Me: I have eaten my best friend.
Even if you’re fully vaccinated the CDC recommends finishing some of the books on your shelf before buying new ones
[marriage counseling]
We just don’t see eye to eye
“Because you insist on wearing that stupid pirate hat”
YOU WILL ADDRESS ME AS CAPTAIN
So baby Jesus grows up to be Santa or…
50 Shades of Letting People on the Train Know You’re Not Getting Laid
DAREDEVIL: When I went blind, other senses sharpened to compensate for the loss.
*licks a doorknob*
boss: hi
me: *pretends to read an email*
boss: did u just say “pretends to read an email”