“Fluffy died today”
“Oh my god I’m so sorry, was he a cat or dog?
“He was a boa constrictor”
“Well that made me feel better”
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Pronounces “biochemist” as “beyotch mist”
For sale: 1 brain, only dropped once, OW, dammit, ok twice
Kill them with kindness, you say?
*slowly and sadly puts down bazooka*
Dress for the job you want, not the job you have. Better yet, dress for jobs that don’t even exist. Werewolf psychiatrist. Clown assassin.
Friend: How’s your sex life?
Me: Why’d you say it like that?
F: Like what?
M: With airquotes and a guy playing sad trombone behind you
[waking up after a night of drinking]
Age 21: did i make out with someone
Age 36: did i steal someone’s dog
Just a warning if you’re buying a watch on Amazon. I learned the hard way that if it says you can swim with it, this only applies if you can already swim without it.
Don’t get too excited when someone says “and Bob’s your uncle”. It’s just a figure of speech
Boyfriend: I’m home! (looks into garbage can) Hey. Did you eat like five candy bars today?
Me: AM I UNDER INVESTIGATION HERE!?*
*i did
I love when people spend 7 minutes trying to back into a parking space just so they can leave “quicker”
Just wait. All of the Presidents will be on sale tomorrow
Nature : Earth is 95% full. Please delete anyone you can.
Corona : Got it.
Me: That was fun! Fist me!
Him: What?!
Me: Fist me!! *holds out knuckles*
Him: …..
Trying to take the best instagram picture ever but the kittens keep drowning in the latte.
Date: you’ve already made me laugh, you can do no wrong
Me: challenge accepted.
Washing machine doesn’t give a shit
My career as a karate instructor was tragically curtailed when parents found out I was wholly unqualified & just enjoyed kicking children.
What’s the most ridiculous demand a customer has made of you? I’ll go first: when I was working retail, a woman once demanded I pick her up from her Botox appointment with my car & bring her to the mall to shop
ME: we sure have one great kid
WIFE: we have two kids
ME: yes we do
Social services would take the kids away if they saw my house right now. Does anyone have their phone number?
Skeletons are a weird costume cuz you already got one of those in your body you’re pretty much a bone oreo with skin frosting dude
[opening can of Russian Pringles]
once u pop u [inside can is a slightly smaller can]
huh [inside that can is an even smaller can]
wtf [in..
Hugh Jackman denies ever taking steroids to transform into Wolverine:
“I had been told what the side effects are… I don’t love my job that much.”
A chicken pie in Jamaica costs £2.00
A chicken pie in Trinidad costs £2.40
A chicken pie in St Kitts costs £2.15These are the pie rates of the Caribbean
Studies say that if you sleep on the right side of a bed, it means you don’t sleep on its left side.
My eldest child was born 5 years after we got married and yet she’s mad at us for not inviting her to the wedding. We will be focusing on math lessons this week
Why do birds suddenly appear anytime you are near?
Him: *hiding bread crumbs in his pockets*
The girl who once told me “If I’m not married by the time I’m 30, kill me” got married recently at 29 and WHEW is that a load off my mind
Who called them Grammar Nazis and not PRO-Grammars.
me: hang on, I’m just gonna jump in the shower
me, in shower: *jumping*