somebody come look at this
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“Fluffy died today”
“Oh my god I’m so sorry, was he a cat or dog?
“He was a boa constrictor”
“Well that made me feel better”
Dating a beekeeper would be stressful because if they called you “honey,” you wouldn’t know if they were being romantic or if they were just thinking about work again.
I thought I felt a spider crawling on my neck.
Now I have to pretend I was breakdancing at this bank.
I do not want a robot dog. I do want some sort of high-speed Wi-Fi router mobile hotspot installed in my current dog
Just finished watching a movie, and I shall now begin my post-movie watching tradition of Googling who everyone in the cast is married to.
no one:
my brain:
key largo montego
olivia rodrigo
I hate when someone finds out I read the same book they did and thinks we’re in some kind of a gang or something.
Nowadays you can post your opinions instantly. Used to be, if you got riled up by a troubadour’s ballad you had to weave a whole tapestry about it
I got excited when my son joined the cross-country team. But then I learned they don’t cross the country and are back home in a few hours.
Ocean’s 8 makes me feel seen as a woman but also as someone who has tried to organize anything with more than 3 people
Yes, mother, I have gained weight.
No, it was not appropriate to point it out by pinching my muffin top in front of thirty people.
If you watch an Apple store get robbed, are you an iWitness?
[Security breach at Wayne manor]
BRUCE: *brooding darkly*
ALFRED: The back door is literally just a waterfall
Daddy will my cockatoo go to heaven?
– Heaven is a place of serenity and joy, right?
*nods, wiping tear*
– Then Mr. Shrieks won’t be there.
me: I lost the boy
wife: where?
me: at the burrito stand
wife: how?
me: I turned around for a second
wife: yes?!
me: and then for a third
I like to put a banana in each pocket just to confuse people.
People get upset when you bring a beach ball to a funeral.
My anti theft device in my car is that it’s manual.
OMG I’M SO OLD AND OUT OF TOUCH WITH POP MUSIC WHAT SONG DOES BREXIT SING
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and I’m like “Get outta here boys! I didn’t get this chubby by sharing my milkshakes!”
Why did they call it “conjugal visit” when “guilty pleasure” was right there?
Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food
In Seattle, there’s a code that states when two people are walking towards each other, the one with the bigger coffee cup passes first.
[on a stakeout]
COP: did you bring your walkie talkie
ME: no but I do have a runny nosey
This is a sub tweet
Darth Vader tried to kill Solo, but sadly struggled with his Han die coordination
…and for my next trick, I will turn yesterday’s sweatpants into today’s sweatpants.
Not to brag, but I always go to the hottest cashier at the store and she always checks me out.
Easy come, Bismillah!
easy go, No, we
will you let will not let
me go? you go