Marry the person who looks at you the way a Labrador looks at a tennis ball…obsessed, slightly crazed and probably drooling a little.
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Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight
*walks into a room full of people*
*looks around*
*answers fake phone call*
*leaves*
#AnAutumnAtrocity
New fall boots. 😆😆
Um, so you’re god’s gift to women? So was Jesus…look what happened to him.
You may want to rethink that.
Why did they call it an umbilical cord and not womb service?
Boss: I’ve been told one of you is just a robot car in disguise
*everyone stares at me, even Optimus who is drinking oil instead of coffee*
“I’d like to buy this house”
“Will you waive inspection?”
“Sure”
“And waive the assessment?”
“Fine”
“And pay in cash?”
“Ugh, ok”
“And promise you won’t ever live in it?”
“If that gives me the edge”
WIFE: why do we even need a gun in the house
ME: *fires off 8 rounds just to kill a spider* that’s why
the one time i draw them and of course it’s a meme
gentlemen, hear me out
Marriage is the leading cause of Irreconcilable Differences.
*sees money in my bank account*
oh crap i must have forgotten a bill
Relax, this is my emotional support knife.
Coworker: how was your thanksgiving?
Me: ……….. I assume you want me to hear about yours?
I’m gonna go my whole life without knowing my blood type I swear to god. like I’m gonna end up in an ambulance one day and the paramedic’s gonna ask me what my blood type is and my dumbass is gonna be like “idk lol red”
People will read 50 Amazon reviews before buying a pair of headphones but won’t think twice about taking drugs they bought from someone they only know as “the guy.”
covid spelled backwards is devil. Don’t look just take my word for it.
Whenever I destroy an ant hill with the leaf blower, I imagine the footage of the terrible blownado being shown on ant tv the next morning.
I try not to snack at night, but the cheese in my fridge haunts me. What if I die in my sleep and NO ONE EATS IT?
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
I tried a vegan recipe book last night. It was much tastier than any of the recipes in it.
I used to think “platitude” was just a really cool platypus.
wife: “you promised you wouldnt buy anything stupid with our lottery winnings”
me: [covering penguin’s ears] “he can hear you linda”
Chicken cooking times in recipes are the reason I have t̶r̶u̶s̶t̶ ̶i̶s̶s̶u̶e̶s̶ salmonella
Which wines pair best with gloating?
Who needs clocks when my dog’s digestive system can nail time with pinpoint accuracy
How close to the road does something have to be to assume it’s free to take, because that’s a really cool mailbox.
Starting to get the feeling like there is a fennel cabal out there forcing chefs to put fennel in as many dishes as possible, this fennel conspiracy hurts all of us
Filed a restraining order against Starbucks. Creepy. Every time I turn around, there they are.
I don’t feel bad ignoring the baby when she cries. If she really needs something, she should text me.