Me: You ate radishes.
Friend: How can you tell?
Me: You’re burping them.
F: They were really good radishes.
Me: Not from where I’m standing.
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Tip for twitter newbies:
Before you start using twitter, please make sure this is really what you want to do with the rest of your life.
Girl Scouts cookies went from $5 to $6 this year and I refuse to
ok I’ll buy 10 boxes
My life has been so screwed up when there was supposed to be a fork in the road I found a spoon.
Ibuprofen, youbuprofen, weallbuprofen.
I’ve got all my ducks in a row but these chickens have no concept of symmetry.
Her : You hang up first.
Me : *click*
I pick up my dog’s poop with empty Snickers wrappers. What I do with it afterwards is strictly on a need-to-know basis.
For the last time I said CAULK, I need black CAULK.
This isn’t funny, what isle is it in
Imagine “are you ready for some football?” sung to the tune of “Do You Want To Build A Snowman?” Yes I’m trying to ruin this for everyone.
In 6th grade I had an ugly pimple on my nose that left a scar and I told my friend I got bitten by a spider…dude called me Batman because he didn’t know shit about comics
TORTURER: *panicking as he’s waterboarding SpongeBob* he’s just getting bigger
I’ve never skydived but I have had to do math in front of a bunch of people in a meeting so I think I understand the adrenaline rush.
This lasagna recipe has been handed down in my family for generations in the hopes that someone would eventually make it.
Marriage is between two people: one person who is on the verge of sleep and one person who is asking if the front door is locked.
Game of Thrones, at its core, has always been a show about how much it sucks to be a horse
I like my women like I like my woods: haunted & can kill me at any moment.
I got the Pfizer vaccine and pso pfar pno pside effects.
Why is there a show called “When Animals Attack”? It should be called “When Stupid People Go Near Dangerous Animals.”
wicked witch: I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog too
john wick: *blushing* you think i’m pretty?
unpopular opinion: The best thing young people can do early in their careers is to delete their dating apps so they can meet someone the old fashioned way (going down on catwoman)
Where’s Waldo?
*Leans in*
Buddy, the last person who came around here asking those kinds of questions can’t be found neither
The year is 2054. My son sits down for his documentary.
Reporter: So what would you say led to your impressive and horrifying killing spree?
Him: Well I think it all began when I was six and my mom threw out my collection of kazoos I’d made from toilet paper rolls
me: I’d like to buy that giraffe
zookeeper: I can’t do that, sir
me: [slips him a coupon for a free giraffe] how about now?
Zookeeper: don’t be ridiculous. this is only valid on Wednesdays
[seeing random coworker at the supermarket] oh hey what’s up! i didn’t know you liked groceries
You deserve someone who’ll chase you with a chainsaw.
boss: why aren’t you working?
me: i didn’t see you coming!
Alexa, here is a sock. You are a free elf now.
I wish the Popemobile was outfitted more like a little aquarium for him. Put a treasure chest in there, maybe even a scuba guy.
*lowers car suspension to look more gangster*
*takes 12 minutes to ride over a speedbump*