Nobody:
Toy Makers: KIDS ARE PROBABLY HARD OF HEARING SO MAKE SURE EVERYTHING IS LOUD
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Her: why are u breaking up with me
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
“Your lifeguard résumé is just a pic of David Hasselhoff”
I feel it says all u need to know about me
“He’s drunk with a cheeseburger”
Yes
If you need me, I’ll be at the park eating bread in front of the ducks
“I trust my boyfriend, I would never go thru his phone”
-girls who can’t figure out boyfriend’s passwords
Just a little reminder that the eight spiders you swallowed aren’t thrilled about it either
My daughter asked why I drink so much beer
I told her it’s because I actually have a condition that’s pretty unfortunate. You see, my body is actually not capable of producing its own alcohol
I’m glad my office has this giant shredder because otherwise I don’t know what I’d do with all this work.
I have 2 speeds- the slow southern girl sashay and the is that the ice cream truck outside?
If you eat a block of cheese and do a lunge, it should balance out, right?
Actually, it was less lunge, more trip, but still.
Walking my 6yo out to the car and pointing at a patch of dead weeds in the yard he says, “Mom what happened to those plants?!” and I’m like “those were dead before I got here I did not kill them.”
It’s always the Great Wall of China, but I feel bad for all the other walls in China. They’re like
“Hey i’m a pretty good wall too.”
DID YOU KNOW: If every person on the planet lined up along the Earth’s equator, most of them would drown.
roman lesbians: *caesaring*
With a straight face, my neighbor asked me not to do yardwork when her boyfriend is outside.
So yes, I think they’re in a healthy relationship.
Sometimes u see the moon during the day and it’s like, wow, how embarrassing. Showed up early because you were bored? Get a life, nerd moon.
CAPTCHA: Select all tiles with chameleons.
ME: Oh no.
[About to invent coffee]
Guy: I’m gonna squeeze that bean so hard
Friend: You okay Greg?
GF: “Call me ASAP, it’s an emergency!”
Me: “Hi ASAP, it’s an emergency!”
If you think women are the weaker sex, try pulling the blankets back to your side.
So when Steve Jobs started Apple in his garage he was an “innovator” but when I work out of my garage I’m “under arrest” for “selling meth.”
Daughter: Daddy, I want to reach out and touch a star
Me: Yeah, well, that would incinerate the both of us instantly so I don’t think so
When I worked in fragrance, my friends and family would ask for samples all the time.
Now that I work in a bank… Same
Stubbed my toe leaving the hospital. Called my doctor complaining of a painful discharge.
Robert Pattinson can play Batman but Christian Bale could never play Edward Cullen
I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.
waiter: our special is only $7.99
mechanic: i’m a mechanic.
[seconds later]
waiter: my guys in the back’re telling me the special’s actually going to be about $235 and some change.
mechanic: that’s too much.
waiter: *sucks air through teeth* they’ve already started on it.
Indiana Jones & The Wait What They’re Making Another One
developing a crush on a writer is like oh great now i got all this reading homework
Impractical Joke: Replace my girlfriends house cat’s with mountain lions so she think’s she is shrinking.