When people say I don’t mean to brag they’re bragging about not bragging.
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Me: a calm, methodical Navy SEAL when I clog my own toilet
Also me: a terrified, incapable, frozen idiot when I clog yours
It’s not procrastination, if you don’t do it at all. 🤨
getting a key tattoo but getting it covered up with a doormat tattoo so no one ever finds it
You’re 11. RT @pepsi: A Pepsi party means _____. #LiveForNow
me: can i be frank for a sec
boss: sure
frank: thank you
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
His icy glare melts my creamy core. He’s so cold, beads of water drip down his exterior. My walls ache to be drowned by him.
-Oreo to milk
I like to use the formal version of people’s names.
So like, if your name is Terry, I’ll call you Terrence. Larry, Lawrence. Barry, Barrence. Bobby, Bobbence. I don’t know any girls.
Oh good, my kid got a small cut and wiped his hand on the wall, so now the house has a taste for blood
Kids’ clothes really need clearer labels stating when they are made of “scratchy stuff” or the printed size is “not true” or they are “too purple.”
Smile for the camera. Laugh for the pencil sharpener. Dance for the refrigerator
[gets a little voodoo doll of myself and makes it do pushups]
My son is running back and forth from the kitchen to his room because he can’t bring the chips to his room.
He’s nothing if not a problem solver.
Unless you’re turned on by a description of a homeless person under a bridge don’t ask me what I’m wearing.
I think costco should be the next president of the united states
*limping in, covered in makeshift bandages*
Wife: Ready to admit that a puma does not make a good housecat?
Me: He’s just lonely. We need another puma.
*hurls Scrabble board at you*
[uses your words against you]
INTERVIEWER: says here you were fired previously?
ME: yeah, I tried putting pizza in the copier
INTERVIEWER: [excitedly] did… did it work?
I think it’s adorable when kids lose their teeth, they look like tiny meth addicts.
The scientifically proven most effective way of cooling off your fighter in between rounds. #PFLPlayoffs
Twitter: Just chilling with my cat.
Cat Twitter: My human won’t leave me alone.
Schrödinger’s Dumpster
[me dress shopping]
“Ohhhh that’s cute”
*an 80 year old buys it*
john wicks are toilet candles
If you don’t want to be in love with me that’s fine. You’re entitled to your wrong and very stupid opinions.
When you put “This page intentionally left blank” in a report, the page is no longer blank. Thank you for coming to my Pedantic Ted Talk.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: This guy just died in my arms tonight.
911: How did he die?
Me: It must’ve been something I said.
When my goldfish starts acting like a jerk I remind him that his bowl is microwave-safe
judge: objection sustained. will counsel please rephrase the question.
me: alright, which *specific* Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle would you make out with and why?
I talk a lot of shit for someone who just climbed out my passenger side door because there was a wasp on my window.