When a Weeping Willow dies does it become Mourning Wood?
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[Shark Tank]
Ok hear me out.
-Alright.
It’s an airplane made out of cats.
-But why?
It cant crash. Always lands on it’s feet.
-Please leave.
My kids can be difficult sometimes, but my mom always assures me that I deserve it.
The Mastodon crowd doesn’t care for me much. Pretty sure it’s my cologne.
[first date]
Him: Let’s take the stairs!
Me: I think we should see other people.
I wanna jam you like a set of salad tongs in a kitchen drawer.
My Mom taught me to treat others the way I want to be treated so I always walk up to strangers and spray canned cheese in their mouth.
[Applebees on Christmas]
God: Enjoy your meal?
Jesus: Ya, I-
[a crowd of servers surrounds them]
Jesus: You didn’t…
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO Y
My parents told me as a kid that R&B stood for ribbons and bows so when I heard Barry White in their bedroom I left them alone to do crafts.
Waiting for a mannequin with a gut so I can really see how that shirt will look on me.
him: your so cute! why are you alone!?
me: you’re
him: …
me: hello? hello?
Me: *rubbing bread on a dog*
Friend: When I said pet with the grain
North and South
I bet Santa has 3 lists now:
Naughty, nice, and people who’ve left him healthy snacks instead of cookies.
How come those cross species adoption videos are always cats or dogs raising baby birds? Just once I’d like to see a hawk enthusiastically barfing into a kittens mouth.
I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.
[calls up friend]
Remember when you said I wouldn’t ever make it on TV? Well turn on the news!
“Okay, but why are you calling from jail?”
Surprise your family by quitting your job and becoming a coffee table.
I’ve been with my bf for a little over a year now and my future mil has already vowed to never speak to me again. How was I chosen for this blessing? Did I win some kind of award?
REALTOR: It’s a great neighborhood. Wonderful schools-
ME: And the Pokemon?
REALTOR: …. sigh. Mostly Pidgeys
ME: I think I’ve seen enough.
Me: [bursts into wife’s meeting] BABE, IT HAPPENED!
Wife: Dave, I’m at wo-
Me: I paid for 6 [empties chicken nuggets on table] I got 7
At the store & asked for 50 condoms. 2 girls behind me started laughing. I turned around & looked them in the eyes and said, “Make it 52”
I remember when spring break meant a week on Padre Island parting with my friends, and now it’s spent hoping my kids aren’t on Padre Island partying with their friends.
Her: I’ve heard a lot about your lovemaking.
Me: Oh, your embarrassing me, really Its nothing.
Her: That’s what I heard…
Classified ad:
Hunter seeks gatherer for nasty, brutish and short relationship. No weirdos.
Do you like long lines, mass transit and sweaty white people?
Ask your doctor if a Disney trip is right for you.
[park bench with girlfriend]
so you’re dumping me because you don’t think I’m smart?
“yes brent”
*starts raining*
great and now sky water
Autoerotic asphyxiation? No thanks, I’m not much of a car guy.
me on ellen
ellen: so i hear you’re a big fan of being on ellen
me: yeah
*i walk onto stage, to see me on ellen’s show, who sees me walking onto ellen’s show*
both me’s: oh-oh my-my god-god you-you didnt-didnt
Sorry if my tweets aren’t good enough for you, person who retweets Cher
When my pc crashes, I go to the guy with the most action figures in his cubicle for help.