wife: what’d the doctor say?
me: she said i gotta quit drinking
wife: oh, do you think you’ll be able to do that?
me: yeah *pulls beersicles from freezer* i got a plan
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Exhausted Parent PSA-
The chance you could mistake a raw chicken sausage for a banana when making a smoothie is small, but not zero.
My favorite part of Beethoven’s 5th symphony is the rap battle 18 minutes in.
I never thought you could get your hand stuck in a ukulele
But here we are
He kept asking to see “more” of me but for some reason my colonoscopy results were “too much”
Foh
me: lol THAT’S your sword?
enemy: this blade can cut through steel
me: [confidently] I’m not even made out of steel you idiot
Me at 22: you can find me in da club 🎶
Me at 42: you can find me in da tub 🛁
If you eat enough hershey kisses, you can reform the wrappers into a kiss and replace it in the bowl. This is less funny if you live alone.
My level of hotness..
I learned to dance from watching the bears in the Charmin commercials.
I want a fast formal restaurant. Food comes out in two minutes, but they won’t serve you unless you’re wearing a suit with tails. I think this could be a little fun while society breaks down
Jennifer Aniston is always cast in the same role because she’s a victim of Rachel profiling.
I was once bitten by a bear because I stuck my hand in a bear cage, in case you want to know what kind of decisions I have the potential to make.
A marinara trench sounds nice tbh
Geography FACT: The world’s second highest mountain is called Everer.
[I time travel to 1998]
Guy: This is the first showing of Mulan, how does that dude in the front row already know the words to all the songs
‘Sorry officer but how was I to know that weird noise my car was making was a bicycle stuck in my mudflap?’
[my funeral]
college professor(standing over my casket): I just want to remind you that attendance is a big part of your final grade.
hey (with the intention of telling Jude not to make it bad)
I’m my own worst enemy which is frustrating because I’d always hoped my worst enemy would have an eye patch.
Ok I have a confession…. When I was 10 I use to get hungry during the church service and I would sneak to the kitchen and heat up the sausage biscuits they would have in the fridge for Sunday school. I didn’t know they kept inventory. They said 100 went missing in a month 🫠
Gazing at nature’s majesty, I am one with the woods. This is where I belong, I muse as I’m drilled with a paintball and promptly eliminated
Dear Diary,
I went back to the gym for the first time since before the holidays today. Struggling to remember what it is I’m supposed to do here. I took a bite out of a dumbbell and that wasn’t right, but I’m close. I can feel it.
The Kardashians is what happens when you feed a gremlin after midnight.
Diabetes was the God of sugar.
I could have been a monk but I missed my chants
Every single new fish they find is gross. Why are we still looking for more? ALL THE GOOD FISH LIVE NEAR THE TOP. Give it up, idiots.
*At the Canadian Citizenship Exam*
Proctor: Your exam begins now and you have 1 hour to complete —
Me: *jumps out of desk and begins guzzling bottles of maple syrup* How many do I have to finish in an hour to pass?
I just want to be rich enough one day to name my kid after an Australian mammal or something found in my spice rack.
Truth or dare?
-Truth.
Ok, go.
-I get sexually aroused by ALF.
Okaaaay…
-Your turn. Truth or dare?
Um…dare.
-Put on this ALF costume.
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss… but you won’t miss.
You’ve trained your whole life for this.
Take the shot.
Kill the moon.
Kids don’t scare me cause their little arms aren’t strong enough to swing a chainsaw.