Me: Ugh! I never know what to say in these situations…
Friend: You say ‘good morning’ back
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Of course he’s going to get re-elected, because once you go Black…
The Cheesecake Factory is finally coming to Canada!
…now I can stop being so nice to the Americans.
Me: I’ll take $2,000, Alex.
Alex Trebek: In which category?
Me: No question. I just need $2,000.
If Zombies ever switch to eating souls, I’ll have the last laugh on everyone whoever made fun of me for being a Ginger
my parents often told me I would lose my own head if it wasn’t screwed on and now that I’m an adult I want to know what tools I need to have it screwed off
I just want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like “If the puma seems restless, let him splash in the Jacuzzi a bit.”
Also, kids? Don’t DM us pretending you are some school official cancelling school. Closings don’t work like that. & we’re not that dumb.
I hope Obama spends the last 2 years of his term replying to all the tweets we’ve sent him.
Bath bomb does not mean cannonball in to the tub. Now she is pissed and I need a new hip.
Weird, started flirting in this bar and for some reason 4 guys just killed themselves.
[first date]
Him: *dips chip into salsa rather than scooping*
Me: *gets up and leaves*
(…comes back, grabs salsa bowl, leaves for real)
Meanwhile at Wayne Industries…
‘Hey anyone else think it’s weird we make so much batman stuff here’
her: take off my bra
me: ok
her: take off my panties
me: wow ok
her: stop wearing my clothes
I just know Amazon drivers be like.. THIS HOUSE AGAIN ???
coworker relationships are crazy because we don’t hangout or talk outside of work, but i know you tried to poison your husband once
Walk up to a girl, sniff her hair, and whisper “Perfect. Master will love you.” This is a great way to increase your tolerance to Mace…
Don’t shoot until you see the whites of their eyes!!
The other side: *has jaundice wins the war*
Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed
[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating
Group of 12 year old girls: We’re scared of boys. Me: OMG, me tooooooo!
Him: Why are you cuddling with the thermometer?
Her: Because he tells the truth, never disappoints me, and doesn’t judge my family, Cameron.
Him: This is getting ridiculous. I’m throwing that thing away.
Her: Don’t you dare touch, Freddie Mercury!
A little baby Yoda in my life
A little baby Yoda by my side
A little baby Yoda is all I need
A little baby Yoda is what I seeMandalorian Number Five
Turns out if you speak with an English accent during an interview it’s expected that you’ll continue to speak w/accent after you’re hired
Senior sext: CAN YOU READ ME NOW?
Him: I’m trying to scare away a crow with a gun
Me: how…how did a crow get a gun?!
Mama I made it :,) RT @funTweeters: #WayneL_Jr Your tweet was published Welcome to the family 🙂
People are managing their retirement funds and I’m over here planning to call in sick the day I die
Cinematography is my passion
Started a deadly new feud with my chiropractor midway through neck treatment and will now have to spend the rest of my life looking over my shoulder.
me: so what’s the policy on backpack snacks
skydiving instructor: absolutely not