Not only are used coffee grounds a great fertilizer, when shaped and baked they make excellent biscuits for that cunt of a dog next door.
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“All of everything is about balance,” she says juggling three chainsaws, five flaming bowling balls, & a chicken named Englebert.
My 6yr old has ruined my life by learning how to spell. I can’t talk about anything with her around anymore. I knew this whole school thing was a bad idea.
Her: What do you look for in a relationship?
Me: A way out.
My signature move is illegal in 37 states.
back to work
I AM A THREE THOUSAND YEAR OLD SHRUNKEN HEAD AND I DEMAND TO BE REHYDRATED.
Any 4 pics of Alan Rickman together looks like an amazing 80’s new wave band you wish existed.
How does a farmer find new cows to buy?
He looks through the cattlelog.
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
I scream,
You scream,
We all scream
Because grandpa fell asleep at the wheel again.
REP: we are pleased to provide u with the highest level of customer service!
ME: oh sorry, got the wrong number. was tryin to call comcast
I once tried playing tennis with a cymbal but it made a terrible racket
(Treehouse)
Me: *picks up empty tin can, places it to ear*
Voice at other end: Hello we’re conducting a quick survey.
I don’t care if you used to be the village bicycle…
All that matters is that you’re my bicycle now.
~inspirational tweet
Pregnant wife: Are you going to be a good big sister?
3-year-old: Babies are jerks.
i love being in STEM (shenanigans, tomfoolery, escapades, and mischief)
[Verizon]
SALESMAN: Can I interest you in our friends and family plan?
BATMAN: [just starts crying]
Spent the day decorating the house for Christmas and my wife spent the day re-decorating the house for Christmas.
And on the 8th day, God created atheists and said, “Oh man, you’re not gonna believe this.”
cops at DUI checkpoints should just check to see if u texted ur ex at some point throughout the night
When life gives you chlamydia, make lemon chlamydia?
There’s always someone who says “must be nice” when they hear a coworker is off from work and like…my guy, you know you can take days off too right?
[Grocery store checkout]
Me: *cracks open a beer*
Manager: Sir, you can’t do that in here
Me: It’s ok, I’m gonna pay for this
Manager: No, I mean the pony. You can’t ride a pony in here
It’s that time of the year when you are equally sweaty 2 minutes before and after shower.
Does it…does it take 3 days
If it walks like a duck and it looks like a duck, the chances are she’s practising for her next selfie
Shit. Gotta huge job interview tomorrow and I have no clue where I put my prom dress
It shakes the bottle vigorously or else it gets the pre-ketchup.
husband: do you know where the thing is
me: can I buy a noun
No smoking? Really? You’re gonna let a fuel delivery system tell you what to do