If the conversation gets too serious take your pants off.
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Humor: the only thing I like dry.
Me: God, I’ve been super stressed lately
My skin: would a bunch of pimples help?
It’s the embarrassment, not the blunt force trauma that kills you when you’re hit by a Smart car.
dude in this airport saw me reading and said “oh you like literature, have you heard of……. charles dickens” and i said no
Anxiety = waiting to see if the middle seat will stay unoccupied as people are boarding your flight.
[inventing tupperware]
make it with a material that never lets them forget that one time they made spaghetti
Attention Prayer Warriors: My neighbor left town for a funeral today. Please pray for God to protect & guide me as I steal his barbecue pit.
Waiter: Is something wrong with your fish?
Me: I ordered it battered
Waiter: Terribly sorry *punches fish*
Me: Thanks
PEOPLE WITH CHRONICALLY MOIST HANDS:
When you have dry lips, rub them on your palms.
I call it Lip palm.
It’s free.
Parenting is easy once you learn the secret. For the love of god, please tell me the secret.
Million dollar idea: let’s start a Twitter swear jar
Wife: what are you watching?
Me: See II
Wife: don’t you mean Saw II?
Me: not till it’s over
Why would Sally sell seashells by the seashore? There are plenty there that are free. Just walk and you are bound to find at least 40. Idiot
*Show and tell day*
Me: You know what to do?
Daughter: Wait until I’m asked, then yell “it’s loose, cover your mouths!”
Me: *hands her an unoccupied terrarium* That’s my girl
me: I want a tattoo
tattoo artist: where?
me: how about over there on that chair
tattoo artist: no, where on your body?
me: on my skin, dude
tattoo artist: this is not funny
Jellyfish have no brains yet are capable of learning from past experiences. They will change their behavior to avoid repeating a negative event.
Meanwhile you’re sitting there texting your ex again
[Me using a ouija board]
-Where are you communicating from?
T A S M A N I A
-Oh shit we called the wrong devils
I’m sorry I put a collar on your baby. I thought it was a Pug.
Ice cream cones are for when you would rather eat the bowl than wash it.
I ordered Chinese food last night. My fortune cookie said “LOL” and I’ve never agreed with one more.
Doctor: You’re gonna lose that eye.
Me: That’s HORRIBLE!
D: You need to be optimistic.
M: HOW?!?
D: Think of it as ‘your glasses half full’.
this is my brain when people are trying to explain card game rules to me:
You need to let shit go.
~ Buddha
“Don’t take this wrong but…”
Me: Ima stop you right there. I hate you just the right amount.
Please don’t ruin it.
“I’m here for the hookers and the booze!!!”
“Sir, this is a library.”
*whispers… “I’m here for the hookers and the booze.”
i like keeping my metabolism on its toes. Like what’s it gonna be today, complete starvation or 6,000 calories.
*in the cinema, quietly reading the book of the movie*
Me: I haven’t been able to keep the house clean for 10 years
My 10 year old: Hey that’s how old I am
Me: What a coincidence