Got a new mouse! Cut his tail off by mistake! 🙄
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*opens your fridge and sees 2% milk* hey, your milk’s almost dead
It’s spirit day dress as your idol and my son went as his dad and my daughter went as me and her twin went as a dog. Note to reader: we don’t have a dog.
[job interview]
Interviewer: are you familiar with microsoft word
Me: yes i’ve heard that word many times
Today, I shall mostly be singing “Baby Shark” on loop to the wife to see how long it takes for her to stab me*.
*It’s 17 seconds
[At microphone]
*clears throat*
“Salsa. Ballet. Conga. Waltz. Jitterbug. Tap.”
*crowd cheers*
“Thanks for attending my dance recital.”
I wrote to the Bank: “My Cheque was returned with remark ‘Insufficient funds’. I want to know whether it refers to mine or the Bank?”
[on phone]
Of course I trust you, babe. Always.
*searches Amazon for mini spycams with 1-day shipping*
Nobody in this grocery store thinks I’m a good bowler. Also, clean up in aisle four.
TREE: omg what happened to you
LOG: i was hacked
#If #I’m #not #following #you #back #this #might #be #the #reason.
i got my shoelace completely entangled around the pedal of a stationary bike at the gym and had to ask a stranger to untangle me, which took a good solid 7 minutes. but sure put me down as your emergency contact
what could possibly go wrong?
New medication warning label says not to take in the presence of two or more goats.
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
Is everything ok, babe? You haven’t even touched your eppe
Me: How is your chicken?
Mario: It needsa salt.
Me: Uh… ok *punches chicken*
girlfriend: we need to talk
me: ok what’s up
girlfriend: I’m pregnant
me: OH AND I SUPPOSE THAT’S MY FAULT TOO
Someone just called my phone, sneezed and then hung up.
I’m getting sick and tired of these cold calls.
No, I’m not telling my wife the reason we need a new blender is because I didn’t remove the pit from the avocado, that’s between us.
You excited to watch the Super Bowl?
“Ya, but only cuz the commercials.”
[sounds of man being beaten to death with bowl of chips and dip]
Wife [at a hotel]: Did you sleep ok without me? I never sleep when you’re not in bed with me.
Me [fully rested after 10 hrs of uninterrupted sleep]: No omg so tired.
When my 2 y.o. throws a temper tantrum, I suddenly don’t feel so bad about leaving her with massive national debt & a destroyed environment.
The valet at the park washroom isn’t wearing pants, should I tip more or less
When you call home on a holiday and get passed around, it’s worse than being included on a group text.
A pronoun referring to a specific thing previously mentioned, known, or understood.
That.
Just burnt 2,000 calories…
That’ll be the last time I bake a pizza while I’m asleep!
My son has decided he loves avocado toast and now I have to get a second job.
My mother’s relationship with waitstaff assumes that the menu is an enemy code they’ll decrypt together.
“I just wanted to create something that makes a horrible ripping sound. The adhesive aspect was just an accident.”
– inventor of velcro
Waking kids up 1st day of school: hey sweeties time to wake up I made you a frittata, fruit salad, and freshly squeezed orange juice
Waking kids up for the second day of school: EVERYBODY UP WE’RE LATE GRAB A POP TART AND GOOOOO