I hate when my kids and I can’t agree on where we are going for Sunday breakfast, but I love that we all agree I’m not making it.
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We can probably reopen restaurants right now if we all use feed bags
Keep your friends close and your m&ms closer.
Or something like that.
I get it Roomba, I can’t find my way out of the kitchen either.
God: you’re man’s best friend
Dog: OMG! Love it!
God: yup
Dog: dynamic duo, partners in crime!
God: well..
Dog: two of a kind, 50/50! we make decisions together!
God: you live in a kennel in the yard
Dog: what
Dear guy sitting next to me at the bar wearing camouflage: I can still see you.
Sometimes I look at my children and think “What did I do to deserve this?”
And other times I think “What did I do to deserve this?”
My wife has gifted me a bath bomb that looks suspiciously like a toaster.
Me: gets up, wakes kids, empties dishwasher, makes lunches, helps make kid beds, does kids’ hair, makes breakfast for everyone, showers, makes coffee, does laundry
Hubs:
I’ve got roughly 12 hours left of summer vacation, and I’m really starting to think that my friends & I aren’t going to stumble across an alien creature stranded in the woods, or discover a secret map providing clues to buried pirate treasure. And that’s just sad.
So Nickelback is playing a flood relief concert for Alberta. Like those folks haven’t suffered enough.
if you have flat coke lying around in the kitchen, do not trash it, you can make a coke casserole. very simple recipe. here it is.
1. add tbsp. wow you’re still reading this.
2. maybe it’s time to logout, champ.
First rule of double entendre club is please let us know if you’re coming
How many games did you play already?😅
#chessmeme
Me- *Merging in traffic* Am I clear on your side?
13- *continues looking at her phone* Yes
Facebook: Here’s some other people you might know
Me: Oh yes! I do know them!
Facebook: Do you want to add them as friends? 🙂
Me: oh God no
Whomever came up with the saying “Make love not war” was obviously not married.
It’s not truly a junk drawer until you have a bag of rubber bands, keys that fit no lock in your house, instructions for things you no longer own, a half-used tube of super glue, pens with questionable utility, and at least five likely dead AA batteries.
women in PHLEGM (Philosophy, History, Languages, English Literature, Geography, Music)
me: I really can’t stay
him: but, baby it’s-
me: *tail lights*
The most embarrassing moment of my life was when I called my teacher “mom” during sex.
They say if a cranky baby won’t sleep, take a nice long car ride…
*hands cab driver $200, goes back to bed*
Me: How did the interrogation go?
Detective: The perp folded like a cheap suit.
Me, has no idea what that means: That’s great. All my suits at home are rigid by the way. Rock hard.
CEO: Long lines. Bad parking. No shade. Crying kids. $7.00 drinks. We need a good name.
ETHAN: How about “amusement park”?
CEO: [under breath] Genius
Get on your knees. Crawl towards me.
Look under the couch. I think I lost the remote under there.
The afternoons I spent on my hair.
Franz Kafka, 1912.
Most people use photoshop to create amazing art or graphic design. I use it to make fake Doritos flavors.
{Stalker Diary}
Went through his trash.
He buys the generic Fruit Loops. I remain committed. I find his frugalness irresistible.
Me: I have a headache.
WebMD: and it will be your last.
Imagine an octopus mother trying to get her octopus kid ready for school but she can only find seven shoes
Judge: How do you find the defendant?
Jury Foreman: Well…I guess I just look right at him. Why — isn’t that how you do it?