San Francisco has too many rules
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wife: [looking at our baby] lets name her after my mother
me: ok
[later]
friend: aww what’s her name?
[at same time]
wife: alice
me: grandma
When someone says “More on that later”, I hear “Moron that later.”
And I want to say “You’re moroning it now”.
I’ve stopped drinking for good. I only drink for evil now.
My best friend just sent me a picture she saw on Facebook and I was all like,”is this the new school board?” And she was like, “um, isn’t that your son and the mock trial team?”
Anyway, I’m a REALLY GREAT mom.
*swallows pride*
*gets aggressively escorted from the zoo*
Date: so you’re a handyman?
Me: no I just do odd jobs
Date: like what
Me: yesterday I taught a duck karate
ME: OMG did I just get a shout-out on the radio?
GETAWAY DRIVER: [turning off police scanner] Kinda
When I hear “This call is being monitored for quality assurance” I think “Cool, let’s see how bad this person wants their job.”
Given the amount of clowns around here you’d think it would be more entertaining
11:30pm is the time each night when I ask myself the ancient question of the universe: what if I just ate everything
NEWS ANCHOR: Here’s Gary with day 1 of his outdoor summer weather report.
GARY: [frying an egg on the sidewalk]
I quit. Back to you, John.
Opened the oven door after breakfast was done to let the warm air out into the kitchen because we already paid for that heat.
Did you know if you send a fancy iPhone emoticon to a non-iPhone user, it just shows up as a middle finger?
Moved the bed for the first time in years and found 47 hair ties, a toy steak, and the lost city of atlantis
I read a description of my personality and it warned that I should be careful not to let myself fall into “hermit mode” and I’m like hermit mode sounds awesome how do I unlock hermit mode
One day, some dude was all “You know where we should save our money? Inside a statue of a pig,” and everybody went “That is a GREAT idea.”
in scotland, it’s illegal to be drunk and in possession of a cow. i just want to know how many times this happened before the government had to put their foot down
I can’t stop thinking about what my sister took away from Endgame
Can you believe some cultures still communicate with clicky noises or primitive hieroglyphs?
*clicks keyboard furiously*
*adds 17 emojis*
Friend: Don’t come on too strong is my dating tip.
[At the restaurant]
Her: Can you pass the salt, please?
Me: Sorry, it’s too heavy.
Took me some serious legal wrangling during full quarantine, but the nursing home eventually allowed my 86 year old mother to hitchhike to my state once a week to change my bedsheets. LOVE WINS.
If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.
The first rule of Illiteracy Club is no reading. That was a test, and you failed. You’re failing now. You’re not welcome in Illiteracy Club.
What time will the Easter candy be discounted?
CVS: Mam, please stop calling us. We don’t know yet.
Ok. I’ll call back later.
[undercover FBI agent who’s had me under surveillance for weeks decides to blow his cover] do you ever stop eating?
One of my favorite things about kids is that you only have to feed them once a week
I don’t ask for much but can someone please take away the share function on Wordle?
“Wow you’re an English teacher? You must get so mad at the grammar on Twitter!”
I do not give one single shit how you choose to structure your thoughts on this free app made for character limited discussion.
Based on all the white smoke billowing out, I think my lawn mower just picked a new pope.
Cops in movies keeping guard outside hospital rooms have a 0% success rate.