[daughter going on a date]
ME: I want her back at 9
DAUGHTER: dad, I’m 22
ME: you were cuter at 9
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There’s a butterfly in my office and a nerf gun in my purse. Susan, clear my schedule.
Who called it industrial espionage and not being a thief executive?
Her: Sure! I’d love to go out with you
Me: Noice.
Her: I just remembered I’m busy that day.
I’m gonna play on a Slip n’ Slide in my front yard tomorrow morning while the kids on my street wait for the school bus. #Hero
New coworker: What brought you to Wyoming?
Me: I met my wife on Twitter and moved here
New CW: how did you get a woman to talk to you on Twitter?
Me: I didn’t say things like that?
I picked up a packet of party food (mini pies) in the supermarket and someone next to me said, “ooh, they look good!”
I had no idea what to say in reply so I panicked and said “thanks very much!”
Can’t shop there again.
Part of me says I should slow down on the drinking. The other part says, “Don’t listen to him, he’s drunk.”
Girls who go to finishing school know all of the Mortal Kombat fatalities.
Got fired from the zoo for giving all the howler monkeys megaphones.
IKEA is the swedish word for “relationship meltdown in a public place.”
Hockey fights are cool but imagine the make up sex afterwards in the locker room.
Me: “Another day, another dollar.”
My boss: “Please don’t discuss your salary in front of co-workers.”
I once had a girlfriend and then she got to know me.
I’ve been attacked by a +2 Petite Pike of Pernicious Pokiness, but otherwise my dentist is very nice.
Doctor: I got your test results back from the lab and I have some bad news
Me: oh no
Doctor: by the time I got them back he had chewed them up pretty bad
My grandmother is a shining example of how you can live until 90 years of age, sustained by nothing but spite and biscuits.
skydiving instructor: is this your first time?
me: [holding seven balloons] why do you ask
if i could choose one super power right now it would be the ability to delete my number from other people’s phones.
“I really like Eminem.”
” I prefer smarties.”
“No, the rapper.”
“Why would you eat the wrapper?”
#FridayVibes #RubbishJokes
“The ship is sinking!”
Me (calmly): bring me noodles, tomatoes, and cheese
“You can save us with that?”
Me (making one last lasagna): what
Taco is a crispy sandwich. I will not be taking calls to change my mind.
Priest: and do you, Lil’ Jon, take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?
Lil’ Jon: WHAT
Priest: you say “I do”
Lil’ Jon: OKAY
Priest: I do
Lil’ Jon: OKAY
Priest: I DO
Lil’ Jon: YEAH!
me: I wish I knew how to make you less angry
her: you could start by just listening to me once in a-
me: I mean I’ll do anything
her: I just said you can lis-
me: anything at all
DMV Lady: Do you want to retake your photo? You look mad.
Me: I am mad.
DMV Lady: But you’ll look mad on here for 5 years.
Me: I will still be mad in 5 years.
Twitter dot com. *sigh*
My boyfriend said that I’m more than enough woman for him, and now I’m mad because I think he called me fat.
[heaven]
darwin: *looking down*
angel: what’s going on?
darwin: watch this
I want what every guy wants: To be involved in a rooftop chase.
*getting kidnapped*
Me: wait, I need to pack 34 outfits