You ever take a nap so good that you thought you missed the school bus. But it’s Sunday…and you’re 32.
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You’re one day closer to death AND you get free cake? What’s not to like about birthdays?
[Watching the World Cup]
GUY *nods at the screen* Who’s your favourite player?
ME: uh…that round-headed guy is good, what’s his name again?
GUY:
ME:
GUY: That’s the ball
ME: Ok
I’ve reached that age where I don’t have to drink to forget because it just happens naturally now.
A hearse was in front of me in the drive through lane at a burger joint. I have questions.
I unfollowed a guy in the Navy; too many sub tweets.
I’m a low maintenance girlfriend. Just bring me a bouquet of cats.
[At bar]
Me: As a joke, I’m gonna pee my pants
Wife: Seriously? You’re a married man now
M: Right…sorry. I’m gonna pee “our” pants#BT140
I was overcharged by a plumber!
So, I’ve been secretly training a gorilla to roll barrels at people.
Tomorrow, we’re kidnapping his girl.
FRIEND: I just found out my kid lost another tooth
ME: Really? Which one?
FRIEND: Katie
ME: Wow, I didn’t know your kid named his teeth
Cobra Kai: sweep the leg!
Cobra: the what
Gunman: Put ur hands in the air. Now wave them like you just don’t care. YOU STILL CARE [shoves gun in guys mouth] SHOW SOME UTTER DISREGARD
in the original Little Mermaid, Flounder was meatier. if you saw him on someone’s plate on a restaurant you’d go “i’ll have THAT.” This new one does not look appetizing and could not satisfy me.
DMV Lady: Do you want to retake your photo? You look mad.
Me: I am mad.
DMV Lady: But you’ll look mad on here for 5 years.
Me: I will still be mad in 5 years.
Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks.
” Wife: there is a man at the door with a mustache.
Husband: tell him i’ve already got one. “
*mops up wine with cat*
Meltdowns are what happens when you compartmentalize your thoughts, but forget to label them.
*Takes your face in my hands*
*Looks deep into your eyes*
*Whispers “You make me want to spend the rest of my life avoiding you” *
Six degrees of separation but it’s me trying to get a discount through a friend of a friend of a friend.
I would never join a gang, because I am vehemently against group projects.
You can’t choose your family but you can choose a hitman.
My new table from Ikea is actually just the unopened box with a tablecloth thrown over it.
The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. That’s why it’s crazy for me to go to work
*leaving a wedding*
me: her dress was really beautiful
husband: whose?
me:
husband:
me: the…the bride’s
When people ask me for something at work I say, “Sure! Let me see here..” and rummage around in my desk drawer until they leave
People are far, far too judgmental these days.
I can tell just by looking at them.
i don’t think the t-rex’s arms were that small i just think a frustrated paleontologist grabbed two bones and lied
I’m not real sure if my neighbors are having sex or playing ping-pong in flip-flops and shouting in Russian
#BREAKING Egypt, Russia sign contract to build Egypt’s first nuclear plant
Why do people wax their surfboards? A hairy surfboard is a natural and beautiful thing.