I asked my mom what she wanted today and she said “she just wanted me to be happy,” so I’m on ecstasy petting a dolphin right now.
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If you’re thinking of getting a hairless cat, go the extra mile and get a catless cat.
Zordon: go find me some high schoolers
Assistant: but wouldn鈥檛 the Power Rangers be more powerful if they were adults?
Zordon: NO! *breathing heavily* and make them wear spandex
Since we don鈥檛 get one single trick or treater in my neighborhood, I鈥檒l just get 5 large bags of candy.
When I die I want my funeral to be closed casket but like half way thru someone opens the lid and surprise – it’s a nacho bar inside
Detective: how were u able to do it?
Serial Killer: thanks to the flexibility of Uber. I was able to work my own hours and still murder
me: before you hire me, you should know i take things
interviewer: like what?
me: time and care
interviewer: oh haha
me: also xanax, company money, and two-hour morning shits
I relate more to “Rice, rice, baby” – because Asian
Sorry pregnant ladies, all of your 3D ultrasounds look like Gollum in an Ikea lampshade.
I refuse to acknowledge the new year until the old one cleans up the mess it made.
There is a lady who just asked me if Arsenal is a series! I asked her why?She told me that all Arsenal fans usually wait for the next season
Hubs, “What are we doing tonight?”
Me, “As long as I’m with you I’m happy.”~Watches him watch ESPN on his phone~
Me, “I want a divorce.”
BOSS: Ok so far so good. But before we finish the interview I’m gonna have you take a typing test.
LOBSTER: *looking down at claws* Shit
You know how people play video games by pushing all the buttons at once?
That’s how I’m handling adulthood.
Hubs: You’re home all day, why isn’t the house clean?
Me: You’re at work all day, why aren’t we rich?
Hubs: Touch茅
This store brand ice cream tastes like someone tried chocolate once, then spent years drunkenly trying to recreate it in a lab
suspect: i ain鈥檛 talkin
cop: [sharpens knife] we got ways of making people talk [cuts a piece of cake]
suspect: can i have some
cop: cake is for talkers
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
Me: Oooh, I’m parked between two other Subarus! I’m the middle of a Subaru sandwich!! 馃グ馃グ馃グ
Maybe people are the dumbest creatures on Earth, and animals just pretend to be dumber to avoid talking to us.
I’m “had to actually call a girl on the home phone to ask her out while hoping my mom didn’t pick up and start dialing” years old.
“What should we call ourselves?”
How about 22 pilots?
“Idk. Seems like an awful lot of pilots”
21 pilots?
“Omg”
When Leo said, “To all my friends, you know who you are” he was talking about the bear
Kinda rude the way this hedgehog is running away from me when I’m trying to stick cheese on his spikes.
Mom is now sending me pictures of her lasagna and the recipe she apparently found in a sunken pirate ship.
My 3 year old reported seeing a spider-cricket and I couldn’t find it so we’re outside watching the house burn.
At my age, my passwords are protected by amnesia.
Normalize asking jobs for references right back. Like I鈥檓 gonna need to talk to three current employees, please.
not sure why we don鈥檛 use this thing more often
Me: I鈥檓 pregnant
Him: OH NO
Me: with emotion
Him: oh, whew
Me: because there鈥檚 a baby inside me
My muffin top has become a full blown birthday cake.
I panicked when my car wasn’t in the driveway after walking home from the mechanic so my Mensa invitation should arrive any day now