“Everything in moderation,” I whisper as I pour my 8th cup of coffee.
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they really do be looking like this
The Sun’s probably Asian.
Do you think animals have famous animals in their social groups, or do you think they worship celebrities? But a group of cows worshiping a super sexy cow – does that happen?
I’m developing an app that makes a cricket sound effect at the end of my coworkers’ stories.
One time I was really high and attempted to flush my foot down the toilet. There was no Twitter then, so I’m telling you now.
Whoever invented crustless pot pie clearly didn’t know why people eat pot pie.
I have my own hand stamper at home so my coworkers will think I went someplace fun the night before.
Sorry pregnant ladies, all of your 3D ultrasounds look like Gollum in an Ikea lampshade.
If babies named Todd don’t call themselves “The Toddler” then what’s the point of having a douchebag baby name like Todd?
Sociophobia is the fear of friends.
Sociophoebea is the fear of just the ditzy one.
What’s the difference between a Lamborghini and a dead body?
I don’t have a Lamborghini in my garage.
Telling a mom to relax while her family does everything on Mother’s Day is like telling a pilot to relax while the passengers fly the plane.
if you won an award for brushing your teeth the worst, would you receive a plaque plaque?
Sunday
If I text you and you immediately call me, that’s entrapment.
I’ve reprogrammed my FitBit to allow for more me time. And by reprogram, I mean I’ve attached it to the leg of a deer.
I was born to run.
[Spelling Bee]
Judge: Your word is ‘babe’
Bee: B-A-E
J: Sorry. There’s another ‘B’
Bee: WHAT! WHERE?
*goes crazy*
*stings Judge*
*dies*
TIP: As you walk down a trail, use a stick to make first contact with spiderwebs. You can also use your face. Do what feels right.
I wish I had the free time of someone who leaves a positive Amazon review for a rake
I get naked from the waist down before getting in the pool, because it’s gross to pee in your bikini.
Took my daughter and her best friend to dinner and a show with endless snacks and sodas but we didn’t get ice cream afterwards so naturally this night will forever be known as “that night you didn’t get us ice cream.”
When your computer’s memory runs out that’s ramnesia
Just found out the last message the Mars Rover sent was, “my battery is low and it is getting dark,” and I will be using the same message for anyone who texts me to hang out after 630pm
Marriage is basically a never ending competition to prove who is the most tired
Any jeans can be skinny jeans if you eat enough doughnuts.
Nothing like the lingering dread of a project that goes far too easily.
BOB THE BUILDER: Can we fi-
MACGYVER: Done.
before you ask, yes, he can legally do this.