I gotta work hard because my feet pics are unsellable
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I tried giving a gentle reminder to my kids about cleaning their rooms, but a megaphone works much better.
coworker: that’s a great ugly Christmas sweater
me *in my regular sweater*: thanks
Don’t ask me if I have a safety pin if you’re going to look at me all weird when I pull one out of my pocket and hand it to you.
How disappointing is it that Han Solo didn’t name his son ‘Guitar’
A group of women all bought their husbands the same shirt and didn’t tell them…🤣
My favorite part of yesterday was when the cashier at Whole Foods couldn’t price an item & said “Here just take it I hate this fuckin place”
Magician: Pick a card, any car…
Me: Charizard
Magician: no, like a normal card
Me: Ohhhhh…Snorlax then
GF (from 2nd floor window): either the trampoline goes or I go!
ME: It
…was
…nice
…knowing
…you
I would’ve worn my short shorts and my striped tube socks if I knew I was going to be walking around in sepia tone all day
Cute guy: I like that you just say what’s on your mind
Me: Why do you think Ginger was the only band member named after an actual spice?
Wish a poltergeist would move in so there’d be someone else to blame when I lose my shit.
I made the mistake of meeting one of my cat’s demands and now he has more.
*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*
Was asked to work on a team project. Seems “I’d rather give a rabid mountain lion a prostate exam” was not the answer they were looking for.
Drug Dealer: are you wearing a wire?
Me: the only wire I’m wearing is why’re you still single?
Cops Outside In Van: *collective groan*
So when my coupled friends ask me how dating is going, is it appropriate for me to ask how their marriage/relationship is going or is that aggressive?
So annoying when I go to Target for toilet paper and leave with 10 packs of Oreos, 8 lbs of Halloween candy, the state of New Hampshire, and bobby pins.
A Florida police dog is being fired after biting two people; but to be fair, who wouldn’t want to hurt people from Florida?
Lost my job at Tree Humpers anonymous for asking if everyone was ‘logged in’
Good cop: you want coffee?
Bad cop: where did you hide the money?
Cop that freelances for BuzzFeed: answer these questions to find out what type of criminal you are
You really only have 2 options:
1. You can be miserable bc you’re fat
2. You can be miserable bc you’re hungry
[Chevy commercial]
“we blindfolded people and put them in our new Chevy. Here’s what they had to say”
Man: I couldn’t see anything. I was blindfolded
Woman: I feared for my life the entire time
Do a little dance… Drink a lot of rum… Fall down tonight…
Whatever the plot is in Barbie’s movie, my dolls have been through worse
My organization style can be best described as “just don’t look in that room.”
If life gives you a cactus that doesn’t mean you have to sit on it.
Pigeon: the distance a pig travels in one eon
Found my door mat
Me *sneezes*
My cat: EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF
this spot reserved for good ol boys that know how to smoke a brisket