ME: Who’s a good boy?
MY DOG: What have you heard?
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I don’t think it’s rude to keep standing if you go to someone’s house and their furniture is ugly
Waiter: And how would you like your steak?
Guy Who Has Only Ever Eaten Goldfish Crackers: … umm… flavor blasted?
*walking away from the big rap battle*
“How did he know that I’m lactose intolerant?”
happy valentine’s day to me
I don’t usually post things like this on here but,
My Mom is in the ICU with the Coronavirus and she’s not doing well.
I’m devestated. She is one of the most important people in my life.
So if any of you could spare some prayers or good thoughts, It would mean the world to me.
*first day as zookeeper
(letting animals out) “Go, mingle.”
Every marriage has one person who throws things out, and a garbage-loving chaos goblin who says “But I was saving that!”
Making fun of bands that only play 3 chords when I don’t even know what a chord is.
*finds a sock behind the washing machine*
*plays loud dramatic romantic music as I reunite two socks*
me: going to see phil this afternoon
wife: isn’t phil in that cult?
me: yeah so
wife: just be careful
me: have a little faith me in ok
*comes home dressed in all purple*
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
You: Artfully arranges flowers in vase so the room looks nice
Me: Artfully arranges garbage in trash so the kids don’t see what I threw out
I like it when it’s raining, because I can hold my umbrella really low and it makes everyone headless.
computer: choose new password
math teacher: algebra
computer: password must contain numbers
math teacher: algebraXY
One of my favourite factoids is that the guy who wrote “Pretty Fly (For A White Guy)” will also help us cure AIDS some day.
I just ran over a tree, a 5’2″ blonde screaming tree with a purse.
Gordon Ramsey: Tell us about your dish
Me, a dad: Just eat it because I’m not making anything else
Hey, people who use crystals or all-natural products instead of deodorant: You don’t need to keep informing us. We know.
Everybody’s getting Oreos with their Christmas cards this year.
Related: Don’t eat cookies while you’re licking envelopes.
teacher: your son was caught smoking pot
me: did he say where he got it?
teacher: yes, his best friend
me: [tearing up] he really said that?
No one is full of more false hope than a parent with a new chore chart.
My neighbor said, wow that skeleton looks almost real and I said I know and to think it was almost free.
Stranger danger is a very real thing.
They nearly always react badly to proposals.
*army rises out of ball pit*
dark lord: whose bright idea was it to put the portal here?
[they point to bob]
dark lord: you the man, bob
My hair is so strong you can floss your teeth with it
– me flirting
I’d like you to meet my family, my wife Sharon, my son Carl, and this balloon that follows me around
I have no fear of my family pulling the plug on me if I ever go on life support because I know how much they love wasting electricity
[meeting]
BOSS: We need a name that gives us a good ad slogan
ME: Perhapselline?
MY NEMESIS GARY: Maybelline?
B: You’re incredible, Gary
God: “Adam looks kind of lonely down there. What should I do?”
Frog: “ribbit”
God: “haha, alright man”
Between the polyester and hairspray, it’s surprising more people didn’t spontaneously combust in the 80s.