Me: Can I leave early today?
Boss: No.
Me: Can you leave early then?
Boss: What?
Me: What?
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The 9:50 from Paris has been diverted. Nothing to do with the weather, we just don’t like the French.
due to circumstances outside of my control I ended up at an Applebees and let me say it is absolutely phenomenal to have gen z in the work force. the waitress held up a plate, wrinkled her nose, and went “I wanna say these are…ribs?”
*watching horror movie where young couple moves into new house & scary things happen* This is unrealistic they could never afford this house
I’ve been through a lot in this last month, but by far the most horrific thing to happen to me was broccoli on pizza. Never again.
When I track packages I ordered, I don’t use the number. I use footprints, broken leaves, and the smell of blood.
My friend is gay, and that’s his boyfriend, he’s gay too…
*looks up from pestle and mortar
“Powdering this baby is HARD!”
Concierge: Welcome to Paris, monsieur.
Me: You recognize this man?
*slides photo*
Concierge: That’s Pepe le Pew.
Me: If you see him you call me. *leans in* My cat’s been taken.
I’m crowd funding an organic lettuce purchase from Whole Foods.
I asked my boyfriend what he wanted for his birthday and he said 20 dollars
When people put pics of their vacation on FB I write: I saw fire trucks outside your house but I’m sure you already know, have a great time!
To me the greatest mystery of scooby doo was whether scooby snacks were human food they fed to scooby or dog food they fed to shaggy
E. Coli and the dysenteries is a great name for a band
I will always try to sound smarter & make up words when talking to my doctor, like “pain in the crotchal area” or “difficulty extendilating my arms.”
My daughter and her friend Poppy were playing hide and seek and Poppy wanted to hide in the chest freezer but I told her that’s where we keep the dead bodies and now poppy’s no longer allowed over to play which suits me fine because Poppy’s a humourless snitch
Carpe DM
Cargo shorts need insulated side pockets so people can always have access to a hot and tasty pork chop.
Date: I’m not into public displays of affection
Me (trying to impress): I FIND THIS MAN GROTESQUE
Bought a cat collar with a bell on it, and now I can’t sneak up on the cat to put it on her.
I’m always amazed at how eating 2lbs of chocolate can make you gain 47lbs.
[my dog poops]
man: pick it up!
[my dog poops faster]
Help! Lots of manta rays have washed up on the beach!
DISCUS CHAMPION: [rising from his towel] I’ve trained my whole life for this moment.
Me: what kind of birthday cake do you want?
7: I want a big Star Wars cake with blue frosting at the top and green frosting at the bottom, little stars all over, a baby yoda on top and when you cut it open, M&M’s flow out like a waterfall.
Me: I meant chocolate or vanilla.
I #respectfully #trot when you let me cross the street in front of you. I salute the #power of the automobile.
Dear Snapchat, I don’t care what I look like as a strawberry, just give me a filter that makes me look like I showered.
[creating animals]
God- I want an animal with 2 humps
Angel- And a cute face?
G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans
A- LOL
G- LOL
Me: could you pass me the Washington Shire sauce
Her: the what?
Me: the Westminster Shore sauce
Her: are you having a stroke?
Me: the Warcaster Shiner sauce
Her: hello, 911? I need an ambulance-
Me: the Willmington Scone sauce
Her: please, it’s getting worse
Me: the Wank-
Just realized I get most of my upper body strength from shredding cheese.