Hello Darkness my old friend.
Darkness (under his breath): Oh God, it’s him again.
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I hate when my friends stand so close to me when pictures are being taken. It’s like they don’t know I plan on cropping them out later.
Me: I can read on the toilet until my feet fall asleep
Job interviewer: …and a weakness?
as a non-catholic, i gotta say, christmas mass is a WILD ROLLER COASTER RIDE, sometimes the priest sing-talks in a muppet voice, sometimes everyone kneels except you, they do the secret club criss cross applesauce thing, a SURPRISE BELL rings sometimes, twists and turns abound
I walk around in public saying “wait for me guys” so everyone thinks I have friends.
“A user interface is like a joke. If you have to explain it, it’s not a that good.”#usability #uxdesign #iOSdev
I’m so confused when the TV voice before a show I’m about to watch says, “For mature audiences only.” Can I watch or not?
That moment you are trying to figure out if you are Joey, Ross, or Chandler and you realize you’re Gunther.
HBO’s Cookie Monster is much darker
me: sorry I called out my ex’s name just now
woman: three times though?
bloody mary: ew, am I on the ceiling
Do you smoke after sex?
Person looks down…”I don’t know, I never checked.”
If the object of having a few drinks is to ” Take the edge off”, then I’m Spherical
Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer
piss me off and I’ll put you on my kid’s school fundraiser mailing lists
My son is smart enough to hatch an elaborate plot to get out of going to daycare, but dumb enough to share his scheme with me in exhaustive detail. God bless toddlers.
My anaconda don’t want none unless you got a suitable living environment for him, a terrarium with a heat lamp, some small rodents, etc.
Absolutely delighted that our new Baggage Handling facilities are cutting waiting times.
I hate it when I’m at a red light, trying to find a good song, & someone honks when the light turns green.
Calm the hell down. It’ll turn green again.
Maybe I just didn’t state this eloquently enough where’s my hammer?
Friend: I’m getting married
Me: OMG, I’m so sorry. How long do you have?
I was on the fence about starting a new diet, but then the fence broke.
WATSON: Here’s the weird thing. There’s only one set of footprints.
SHERLOCK [smokes pipe and squints]: That means God was carrying the suspect.
*gets down on 1 knee*
OMG
*puts 2nd knee down*
WHAT?
*lays on floor*
JIM?
*snake noises*
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
*slithers out of relationship*
*winks*
*shrugs*
*wiggles eyebrow*
*does jerk off motion*
*waves hands in the air like I just don’t care*
*does the hokey pokey*
*walks like an Egyptian**wonders why he didn’t ask for my number*
[Takes out scrunchie and shakes out my slicked back ponytail] Take the mugshot again.
jeff bezos can’t become a trillionaire if he gets eaten by a whale
This is your gentle reminder that one time in the Bible Elijah was like “God, I’m so mad! I want to die!” so God said “Here’s some food. Why don’t you have a nap?” So Elijah slept, ate, & decided things weren’t so bad. Never underestimate the spiritual power of a nap & a snack.
[kitchen]
SON: [whimpering]
ME: Why is he crying?
WIFE: I told him there was no more chocolate cake.
ME: There’s no more chocolate cake?
WIFE: Nope.
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: …
WIFE: Wait, are you crying?
ME: No.
[ultrasound]
Dr: your baby is 7mm in length
Me [whispering to wife]: ask him
Wife [sighs]: what is that in fruit sizes?
Cop: *Hands me ticket
“I’ll see you in court.”Me: *Seductively winks
“Sure is a lot of trouble just to see me again.”Cop: …