the main function of the little toe on your foot is to make sure that all the furniture in the house is in it’s place.
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You’re 22 years old, dating a 62 year old man an update a status like “I can’t wait to see my baby” Is he your baby or your ANCESTOR ?
*eats nothing but junk food for 3 weeks straight*
OMG is bellyache a symptom?!
Silent Night is my favorite song about my kids staying at their grandparent’s house.
Why don’t Elvis impersonators call themselves the next best King?
I’m married, so I recorded the last time I had sex 4 years ago, I’ll open the windows at 3 am and play it to impress the neighbors.
sometimes all it takes is a little subtle messaging to improve your pet’s behavior
I was watching my son at soccer practice and couldn’t believe how good he’s gotten. I was trying to figure out how he improved so much in just a couple of days, and then I realized I was watching someone else’s kid.
Me, to teenage son: You just keep trying and trying until it eventually goes in
Wife, whispering to me: What the hell were you teaching him about
Me: USB sticks
Wife: Oh thank god
The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the shit is placed.
People say “If you want loyalty, get a dog,” but my dog would abandon me in a dark alley for a pizza crust, so maybe loyalty has layers.
Someone just called my phone, sneezed and then hung up.
I’m getting sick and tired of these cold calls.
It’s not enough for my dog to sit and get pets; he must also make eye contact with my other dog to make sure that he knows.
What if during Halloween people said “creepy crawlidays”
… and on the eighth day, Satan created teenagers.
Ants can lift 20 times their bodyweight which is really helpful if you ever need help moving a single blade of grass.
ME: who’s a good boy
*kissy noises*
DOG: I just murdered the cat
ME: you are, yes you are
*rubs dog’s head*
DOG: you’re next buddy
Checks for abs
Finds an M&M
Vince Vaughn supports the right to carry guns in public. So if you ever wander into 1 of his movies, you can just shoot yourself.
Was just up a ladder *very obviously* mending the roof when a man ambled over, stood at the bottom and eventually called up ‘Mending the roof are ye?’
Got to reply ‘Aye, once I’ve finished unblocking this sink.’ Never felt more powerful. I am majestic. I could grow antlers.
[family feud]
Steve Harvey: Top 5 answers on the board, name a place you would plant evidence…
Me: *buzzes first* EVIDENCE GARDEN
My 2yo loves to put hats on people, but you never know if it’s going to be an actual hat, a slice of cheese, an empty bowl, or his toy shopping cart.
I am rebranding my disorganized and cluttered house as a ‘masterclass of maximalism’
Twitter,
I told my 10 year old it was too late for chocolate and I’d get us a yoghurt. We sat and ate them. I then went upstairs and ate the kit kat I’d snuck in my sling.
It’s like the world is being written by a third grader now.
“Then the virus came, and then there was no toilet paper, and then schools closed, and then there was a tsunami!!!”
My dog’s the one that’s getting chonky, so why do I have to exercise too?
Me: hello I would like to take care of my bones
Health Insurance: Sure thing! How about an x-ray? Would you like a cast?
Me: no, the bones in my mouth
Health Insurance: OH HO HO no, not your TEETH bones
[after Humpty Dumpty’s great fall]
King’s Men: all the King’s men are here
Humpty Dumpty: and a doctor, right?
King’s Men: also, all the King’s horses
Humpty Dumpty: AND A DOCTOR?? RIGHT???
Went for a 4 mile run this morning. Now everything hurts… even my eyelashes.
Raise the roof!
The roof is on fire!
Hit the club!
Bust those moves!
Burning the dance floor!– RL partying sounds so violent
When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.