My favorite game to play after shaving my head is “How much lint did I collect by the next morning?”
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Ron on Facebook says he hopes to be stuck on a dessert island, so naturally I commented “that sounds delicious”.
These lovely people in a very nice car stopped by our house to buy a bike and they looked horrified the entire time, and it was only as they left that I remembered I had strung a bunch of literal animal bones in the trees for a Halloween party.
Like there is almost no cell service where we live we can’t do this to people.
Tired this morning me would like to have a word with stayed up too late last night me.
Bring a hedgehog into the library and frantically ask the clerks where they keep the reverse spell casting books.
[meeting with financial advisor] ok so how does money work
It’s so condescending when self-defense instructors tell you to never go to a second location with your kidnapper, like, sir, do you even understand how a kidnapping works? I’m not trying to go ANYWHERE
me: so how do you guys get around?
dumbledore: lots of ways. you can take the secret train
me: makes sense
dumbledore: fly a broomstick
me: fun
dumbledore: touch a boot and be sucked spinning through some kind of magic hellscape void
me: huh
dumbledore: bus
Just went to Cracker Barrel for the first time in my life and my biggest takeaway is that obesity is delicious.
I found a condom lying in the street in front of my house so I now know exactly where the rubber meets the road.
I remember when “Something’s eating up data.” meant that guy from Star Trek was deeply troubled.
all the apology videos are terrible because the people capable of writing a good apology are on strike.
I want to work in a Morgue, because if no one comes to claim the bodies, hey, free bodies.
On my flight today I woke up from a nap & an attendant was walking down the aisle holding a pug, saying “we found this pug. Whose pug is this??” And for 3 hours we all just took turns holding the mystery pug until a verrrry stoned man in the last row woke up & was like “Roscoe?!”
Grandma found out I’m single so I have roughly an hour to find a gf or Ill be getting the ‘have you thought about being a priest’ talk again
I’m the type of guy you could spend the rest of your life with, if you never take your meds again.
It’s password awareness Friday.
Today I offer free consulting.
Send me a password and I tell you if it’s strong.
Forrest Gump is so unrealistic. There’s no way anyone would take chocolate from a man who’s been talking to himself on a bus station bench for 3 hours.
It’s only August and I’m already tired of watering my plants. Makes me wonder how my daughter has lasted 18 years.
If you eat a pregnant girls food, you’re required to have the baby for her
I got kicked out of the casino in Las Vegas.
I didn’t cheat. I just misunderstood what the craps table was for.
I don’t even have a calendar anymore, I just go to my guys group chat and write “Tuesdays am I right fellas” and if nobody says “you said it brother” then I know it’s not Tuesday
I hope you prayed for me in church today.
There’s nothing I have going on, I just like the attention.
Thx
I just inhaled a bug. Please excuse me while I light my entire head on fire.
Cut out the middleman and throw all your food right into the whiskey.
What’s your guide about?
Type “Explorer’s Guide to ______” and let your phone fill in the rest!
Mine is: Explorer’s Guide to you have got to be kidding me.
Well that’s the most on brand one I’ve ever done! Good job phone! 😆
#wildemount #critters #dnd
If there was vomit on my sweater already from mom’s spaghetti I think I would just stay home. No rap battles for me tonight please, I am unwell
Saw a guy riding a unicycle today. Actually, he was riding a bicycle but I didn’t see him & I hit him with my car. Then boom! Unicycle.
If you don’t know me, don’t judge me. Unless you’re making me a pizza and you say
“This woman looks like she wants extra cheese.” That’s ok
Takes approximately 7.5 seconds for #Adele to make you mourn a relationship that you weren’t even in.
strapless bras are cool cause by the end of the night you have a new belt