Does a UFO remain an UFO once you identify it as a UFO?
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In the Flirtatious Period, the dinosaurs did a hell of a lot of winkin’…
Him: you’re not wearing pants?
Her: my pants don’t fit, OK?
Him: your pajama pants don’t fit?
Her: MY PAJAMA PANTS DON’T FIT, OK?!
Day 3 of quarantine: I haven’t showered for weeks
god: u can eat things twice ur size
snake: ok but how
god: go like 😮
snake:
god: then u just kinda :O
MTV stopped having their “Unplugged” specials because the shitty artists we have now can’t play any instruments.
MOM: What did you learn at summer camp?
KID: We built a generator out of sticks and mud
MOM: A generator? For what?
KID: To charge our iPods
Such a stupid sign! Babies can’t read
The only appropriate time to ask a woman if she’s pregnant is when you see her peeing on a stick.
[shopping]
My Son: This chair will hold up to 300 pounds!
Me: Why did you look at me when you said that?
When you vacuum your kid’s room and it just sounds like millions of Rice Krispies being sucked up
WIFE: You promised you’d take the dog out.
ME: Okay, fine.
[later]
DOG: This is a really nice place.
ME: *looking up from menu* What are you gonna have?
saw a post asking “would you rather wear a fedora every second for the rest of your life, or every beverage you drink for the rest of your life has 2 drops of pee in it” and i thought the answer was obviously pee until i said this out loud to another person and saw their face
If I saw an elephant in the room, that’s ALL I’d be talking about.
a self-checkout line with 0 mirrors what a joke
I put my pants on like everybody else: in constant fear that my button will surrender to the intense pressure it’s under.
I’m giving a best man speech at my brother’s third wedding, and I’m going to open with “hi, it’s me again.”
Amazon Prime would be a good title for a Wonder Woman movie.
Hitting it from behind is just how I drive
Thanks for the swallow!
-bird collectors (you perv!!!)
Like most major sports injuries, almost all Rock, Paper, Scissors injuries occur because of insufficient stretching before the match.
I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
god I hope there’s no such thing as reincarnation I’m way too tired to do this again
Did Roberto Martinez just moonwalk out of the job
Teaching my son to use social media for the first time ever, since he can’t see his friends. We’re working on the fine art of conversation and how not to respond to every girl with “sup.”
Excuse me while I go powder the inside of my nose.
therapist: according to your wife you only say rude words
me: rude words
therapist: yes
me: rude words
therapist: i see
Then he told me, “Where you see only one set of footprints, that’s where I had to carry you because you drank all the water I turned into wine.”
This is probably going to sound really gay, but the sunset is GORGEOUS right now and I love making out with dudes.
My high school “best friend” unfriended me on Facebook, so I guess the weight loss is noticeable.
*first date*
Me: *don’t be weird don’t be weird don’t be weird*
“OHMYGOD I have an app that can show us what our kids will look like.”